MAN: Let's call American Express You lost your card,
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
And you don't know what the number of it is
GEORGE: That's a great one MAN: Do the old lady
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) I lost my card
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
WOMAN: Your Your accent went in and out on you sometimes
GEORGE: I went southern and then
(ON PHONE) American Express I'm Danille, how may I help you?
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) I certainly need some assistance
I'm sorry to call you in such a frenzy,
but I'm very shook up I got my American Express card stolen
WOMAN: Okay, can I have your last name, please?
GEORGE: Yes
- What's your last name? - Right
Okay, can you give me your name so I can look up your account?
- Yes Helen - What's your last name, please?
Easafawn
What?
(WOMAN SNICKERS)
Helen Easafawn
E-A
S-A-fawn
(ON PHONE) Jerry's Famous Deli This is Cindy May I help you?
Hi I have no legs May I speak to the manager?
(RECEIVER CLICKS)
(MAN LAUGHING)
Now, if I get a bill and it's something, like, for
(STUTTERING)
(ALL SNICKER)
But two times in a row I eat the damn roast beef and I'm
I can't stop going to the bathroom!
MAN: Well, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do for you
MAN: Ma?
- And my son thinks I'm crazy - Ma, who you calling?
It's Jerry's And don't tell me not to call them
Jesus Christ, get off the fucking phone!
- Don't talk to me that way! - Get off the fucking phone!
- What's going on? - MAN: Same thing as the last time
Did she What'd she call you about?
- The roast beef? - Yes
All right, she just puked in the kitchen
That's all right I suggested that she doesn't eat roast beef
if it doesn't agree with her
(WOMAN SNICKERING)
I I appreciate your suggestions, but I love roast beef
It's delicious!
- MAN: Go clean up the mess! - (CRYING) I can't Get off of me!
You son of a bitch!
(ALL SNICKERING)
(DIAL TONE BEEPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
George?
- GIRL: Hi, Mr Simmons - Ladies
George Simmons, man! Can I get a picture?
Yeah, yeah You got it ready? All right, hit me, baby, all right
Get a little tittie in there Come on
- How are you? - You're really funny
Thank you You're funnier
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH COMICALLY)
- Hello - Hi!
- Gentlemen Gentlemen - Hey, what's up?
GEORGE: Hey How are you?
- Hey, handsome - Doctor
- How are you, kid? - How are you, baby?
(DR STEVENS CLEARS THROAT)
GEORGE: The Lunestas are working, baby Those are smooth No hangover
Fall asleep, bam Fucking what was the deal with the Restorils?
Why did you give me those? You trying to fuck with me or something?
George, we got the results back from the follow-up of your blood count
and it's not what we hoped for
As I mentioned earlier, the CBC was abnormal
Your white blood cells were four times the size that they should be
And very low haemoglobin, seven grams per decilitre
I don't understand what you're saying right now
Can you speak how people speak?
You have a very serious disease It's called AML
It's a form of leukaemia and I can't predict how this will play out,
but I feel you have a rough road ahead of you
- That's George Simmons, right here - George! George! George Simmons!
Hey, man! How, how you doing, man? I'm a big fan of yours
(INAUDIBLE)
I'm sorry to say we're past the point where traditional structures
like chemotherapy and radiation would be effective at all
DR STEVENS: And I think it's best for us to pursue an experimental course
CHUCK: Here you go, ma'am Your tamales
- Thanks for shopping at Otto's - Yo, Chuck,
I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up
- You should come watch me - Don't let him suck you in He's not funny
Nah, he's right, man No way, man That shit was painful
I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there
I had fucking nightmares after that
That was a long time ago That was months ago
- I've gotten a lot funnier since then - Then you bored my wife to sleep
- I couldn't get no pussy that night, man - Don't blame me for your pussy issues
- Are they gonna pay you? - Pay me? No!
That's just how it starts You don't get paid in the beginning
You gotta, you know, work your way up through the ranks
My nigger, how the fuck you in show business
when you got no business to show?
I'm supposed to be writing jokes I'm supposed to be doing comedy
I'm not supposed to be making macaroni salad
I hate it, man It's depressing Otto's sucks!
You don't know about no motherfucking hard time, man
I'm a ex-convict, man Otto's the only place that would hire me
- You too good for Otto's now? - I'm not too good for it
I just don't It's not for me, you know, I'm sorry
- See that bridge? 1,200 bucks - Okay
On the house, man! Otto, man! Otto's my lotto
Come on, man, look I can't work here any more, all right?
What, you gonna be on TV or some shit like that?
- I am gonna be on TV - The chunky guy on Survivor or some shit?
- No, I'm gonna be like Seinfeld - Get the fuck out of here, man!
You ain't gonna be like Seinfeld Seinfeld's my motherfucking man!
Now Kramer,
Kramer gets a pass from me 'cause Kramer's my nigger
Well, very forgiving of you
Look, as a friend, man, let me tell you something
You're not funny
I mean, you look funny, but you're not funny, man That shit is sad
But, yo, I ain't got no dough, man For real, if I had some dough, I would go
- I'll pay your cover charge - That's the night I take my wife out also,
so you gotta pay for my bitch, too
Okay, I'll do it Okay If you come and laugh Laugh loud
(LAUGHS)
- Like that? - That's good Perfect
- I'll see you Saturday then - Okay, good Thank you
Craig, listen to me I'm doing the best I can, okay?
I wiped your ass our entire childhood Now it's your turn, buddy!
Well, you're the one that asked the wizard to make you young again
I didn't mean this young!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Last time I had a suit on, at my bar mitzvah My bar mitzvah, it was the last
And now I got the same suit It's the same suit
I think it looks good The bar mitzvah was a good day in my life
I made more money that day than I think I'll ever make again
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know, it's really sad To peak at 13 is a weird feeling
MAN: This is indicative of the kind of
GEORGE: Yo Yo Shoot that Look at that!
Both those girls just go, "That's the guy from MTV"
I swear on my life, those two girls, they were just going,
"That's the guy" It's the second time it happened
I got off a I got off, I got off the bus, and
I mean, the train I'm walking out
Me and Ann traded shifts My family's in from Green Bay
You know, come to see how their daughter's doing in the big city
You know, wait, you went to school here, right?
(PHONE RINGING)
- LAURA: Hello? - Hey, Laura, it's George
How's the northern side of California going?
What do you want, George?
I was wondering if you had a few minutes I wanted to talk to you about something
Actually, I don't I was just walking out the door
Is it okay if I get your number and I'll give you a call back later?
I know I'm not supposed to call you
I just wanted to let you know that,
that I really am so sorry about everything
I'm sorry, I screwed up
Too bad you didn't realise that back then, but
anyway, I gotta go Do you want me to call you back?
No, you don't have to call me back I know you're not going to,
but I just wanted to let you know I was sorry one more time
Okay Well, all right Okay, good luck, George
Okay
(CLEARS THROAT)
I was thinking of doing this thing where, like,
I'm not good-Iooking and I'm not bad-Iooking
I'm kind of, like, right in the middle, you know
Like Like, if I had a good personality, I could get any chick in the world,
- but I don't - Yeah, it doesn't work
I auditioned for Budd Friedman at the Improv
- He okayed me and made me a regular - Budd won't even look me in the eye
Man, that's Good for you, man Congratulations
You shouldn't have lost all that weight, man
There's nothing funny about a physically-fit man
- I know It's lame, right? - Yeah
No one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy
- (SIGHING) Oh, God - Hey, Ira
Hey, Mark Can you do me a favour and never leave a paycheck
from your shit sitcom on my pillow ever again, please?
(SIGHS) That is so rude of me to accidentally leave my paycheck
for $25,000 on your pillow I'm sorry
- It's a dick move - It's just, they keep coming,
you know, week after week
It's getting a little bit hard to keep track of them all
You know what? Becoming marginally famous
has really turned you into an asshole
Now listen, I'd love to stay here and chat with you, but we have company
You know that girl comedian who lives across the street?
The one with the dark hair and the bangs?
- Daisy, yeah - Daisy, right
Well, I bumped into her outside and I invited her in,
and she's sitting in our living room right now
She's out there right now?
She's hot and she's mousy, but kind of like
She's mousy like a mouse you want to stick your dick in
Yeah, you've gotta get out there and talk to her
- Why would you do that? - What do you mean, why would I do that?
- I'm trying to hook you up - Well, I'm laying groundwork, man
I got a three-month plan You can't just throw me into this
I'll give you 10 days on your three-month plan
No, I need 80 more days than that!
Okay, I do this because I care about you I do this to motivate you
But I will fuck that girl in 10 days I promise
Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you
I don't look like Jackson Browne I look like Jon Favreau!
Don't do this to me Don't make me fuck her
Well, then just don't fuck her!
Don't you put me in this corner where I have to fuck my way out
He'll do it, too He'll do it I've seen him do this before
I'm gonna go out there and warm her up I'll see you out there
- Kanye - Kanye!
- No TI - TI
- Lil Weezy - It's all about Common
- Eminem - MARK: But do you guys know
who the greatest rapper of all time is?
(SINGING) William Shakespeare!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I know it's silly, but it's fun You know, people like it
- Yeah - You know?
It's just cool that you're on TV I mean
I can't believe you haven't seen this before
Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me
Is it on a kids channel? WB? A teen channel or something?
MARK: No It's on NBC DAISY: Really?
Ira, this is Daisy
- Daisy, Ira - Hi
- How are you? How's it going? - Good
- Actually, I have a cold, so I shouldn't - Oh!
Air shake
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I've actually seen you do comedy at the Improv a couple times
Yeah, you're really You're really, really funny
Oh, thanks
You know, Ira just lost 20 pounds
- Oh, congratulations - Yes, I did All from my cock
Um So
So, this episode right here is actually a two-parter
Great, so does that mean we're gonna watch both parts right now?
Oh, shoot Oh, God
- You need some help with that, Ira? - No! No, it's
It's okay, I got it I got it I got it
Mmm
(SLURPING)
I'm joking I'll get a rag
See you in nine days, Ira!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
RAND Y: I went to a place recently
I'm convinced is the most fucked up, crazy place
I've ever been to It's a little place called Cold Stone Creamery
Now, the thing at Cold Stone is
I can't believe this is what people like
The sizes are "like it," "love it" and "gotta have it!"
What kind of crackhead terminology is that?
"What size you want, man?" "I don't know, man, I just gotta have it!
"Put some ice cream in a cup with some sprinkles!
"Put your dick in a Butterfinger and fuck it for me, please!
"Put it in the cup! I need it! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
"I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
"I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!"
(SINGING) That's how it's done, son! That's how it's done, son!
Killed it, man Crowd was crazy Is it always that wild on a Wednesday?
No, they were They seem pretty good out there
I'm really stepping up my game These bitches gotta start paying me for this
Can't get no more free Randy I just fucked that crowd in the ass
- Yeah - Just awesome Just fucking bam!
Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me My stand-up's my dick
(EXCLAIMING)
- You know? - I'm gonna do the same thing
Bullshit! Let's get some M&M's and chips going
- Yellow! - MAN: Ira!
Hey Kevin Rooney didn't show up, so you're gonna do 10 minutes after Leo
Really? Okay Thanks Yeah
(MOCKING) "Yeah, thanks, yeah"
(SCOFFS)
The other night, I heard my balls and my dick talking
And my balls were like,
"Are you okay?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Is he hurting you?"
And my dick's like, "You don't know him like I do He's a great guy He loves me"
There's always one guy that laughs way too hard in the
Hey George Simmons just showed up He wants to go on, so you are bumped
- Okay, how long does he do? - How the fuck should I know?
He hasn't been here in five years, but you gotta be ready
- Okay - Okay
LEO: Thank you, guys! It's really nice to be here!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- See that? I fucking killed out there - Yeah, that was good
- Watch out, Leo, watch out - All my new shit worked
- Yeah - Yeah
I was supposed to go on after you George Simmons showed up
Now I'm gonna go on after him
- George Simmons is going up right now? - Yeah
- I just opened for George Simmons? - (SIGHS) Yeah
That's fucking awesome, man!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Yeah!
All right!
Yeah, all right, I'm scared I'm scared for all of you guys
You need me! You need me I'm not gonna be here forever
Who's gonna amuse you? It's so simple
You just look at each other and say
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Everyone's laughing
Anyways, I have no religion My parents did not believe in God
That was great They passed that along
I didn't even have a fucking choice They were like, "Nope, don't do it"
"Really? So, when Grandpa dies he goes to heaven?"
"Nope, he'll be in the ground"
"Thanks, Dad Should I sleep now? 'Cause I
"There's no way I'll have a nightmare tonight"
(EXCLAIMS) "Fuck you I don't believe in nightmares, either
"Fags have nightmares
"If there was a God, why would there be a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son
- "Pleasant dreams" - Simmons is getting a little dark
What is he doing?
(EXHALES)
(SOFTLY) When you hear the waitress's footsteps
that's when you know you're not doing well
(SIGHS)
Oh, boy, it's quiet in here
You hear that?
I think I can hear the freeway
Hello! I'm Ira Wright
I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking I'm kind of right in the middle
So, like, if I had a good personality, that might make it so girls really liked me,
but I don't So
Um Uh
Okay George Simmons Wow
Now what do we do?
He seems unhappy with his money Give it to me, I'll
I could really spend that
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
If he's depressed with his life, I don't know what I'm gonna do
I live on my friend's pull-out couch
So, anyway, I Wait, did you hear that?
Yeah, George Simmons just shot himself in the face backstage
It's sad knowing MerMan's crying inside
Uh-oh!
Is he organising a mass suicide? Is that where you're going?
Are you joining him?
Save some Kool-Aid for me Just do it
Don't worry, the next guy who's coming out has a dove hidden up his asshole, so
And then Robin Williams is gonna slit his wrists out here
So, that's nice, also
I am Ira Wright, everybody Thank you, very much Have a good night
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(SIGHS)
Give me a break
Yo! Hey! Hey!
This fucking guy
What's up?
Hey I'm sorry
I'm parked right on the other side of you and I can't get in
What, you come here to make some jokes to my face now?
You're hard to follow I didn't know what to say
- I'm sorry about that - No, don't be
I would've done the same You had to comment on it
Yeah, you had some funny shit
- You're a good writer - Thank you
Your friend Is that your friend? The fatter version of you?
He's my roommate Yeah, he's really funny
You got good stuff You're gonna be all right
Wow, that is so nice of you to say, man
That's so I appreciate it Hey!
You know, well, I've been a really big fan of yours All of us
We kind of grew up on your shit and, you know, incidentally
So, that's so nice of you to say, man Thanks
Thank you!
Nice to meet you, man!
(ENGINE REVVING)
You're gonna die!
And I'm gonna kill you!
(LAUGHING)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Man, that was awesome
(JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
LEO: Cats
- Can you dig it? - Mmm-hmm
Just a bunch of cats
Then me doing stuff
Then back to the cats doing stuff
You've gotten 700,000 hits in four days from this?
Yep If you put "cute kitten" in the title of your YouTube video,
- you're gonna get a million hits - Mmm-hmm
And then I link that to my website
and you can see my stand-up on my website It's genius
Why don't you just call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"?
And then more people would google that
Hi I've got two girls coming over here in a little bit
Can you fold up your bed, please, into the couch?
I don't want the place to look like a mess when they get here
Okay, I'm sorry I was watching this thing
(PHONE RINGING)
MARK: All right? Okay
Hello?
Hey, this is George Simmons
(LAUGHS)
Fuck you, Craig What's happening, man?
It's not your dumb-ass friend Craig It's George Simmons
Oh!
I'm sorry Hey Hey, how's it going, man?
Hey, hey, good job last night You guys were pretty funny
You and the triple-XL version of you
Oh, yeah Thank Thank you That's I Well, I appreciate that
You guys are all right Good job I
I'm doing this corporate gig for MySpace
and I'm gonna need some jokes and shit
I was thinking maybe you guys would want to write me some
You know, he's kind of a flaky guy, but I'm I've got nothing going on, man
I would I'd love to do that Sure Totally I'm in
What kind of jokes do you need?
Just shit about them or computers or whatever they like
When you sprinkle a little lemon there, they get excited, you know
That's no problem That makes sense
So, you want to be held accountable, come watch me do them tomorrow?
- I'll take you to the gig - Okay, cool, yeah
How should I How should I How should I get them to you?
I can give you my fax number and my e-mail
- What's your e-mail? - My e-mail?
It's irasexira@yahoocom
Wow I'm just I'm starting to reconsider asking you
Don't do that It's from high school It was funny then
Yeah, you should change it
It's, like, 13 years old Okay, I will
- I mean change it now - Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP
Okay, don't say "ASAP," either
And don't say "I'm chilling" or "It's all good" or any of that stuff
Okay, I don't I don't chill anyway, so I won't
And it's not all good, so don't worry
- Okay, Ira - Okay
All right, Ira
(IRA LAUGHING)
Guys, that was George Simmons on the phone
He saw me do stand-up
He thinks I'm funny! He wants me to write jokes for him!
- What? - Yep!
- Why? - Why? He thinks I'm funny!
- This doesn't make any sense at all - No?
Jeez, I gotta get started
- What is happening? - You forgot about the bed!
Friends Friends on MySpace Nerds Nerds Nerds have no friends in real life
The more friends on MySpace, the less friends you have in real life
"How does the softball team at MySpace work?
"Does everyone get picked last?" That could be funny
At some point, you should have George say, "Fuck Facebook!"
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
(BOTH LAUGH)
So, like, that's funny All right, tell George I wrote that, okay?
- Totally Totally, man - You gotta be like,
- "Leo wrote that" - Yeah, no, no, no, totally
(CAR HONKS)
Hey, Ira, I think this is him!
(CHUCKLES)
- He's got a limo! - Can we go out and meet him?
No, no, no You can't say hi to him Just let me get in with him a little more
before I introduce people to him
Don't kiss his ass too hard, all right?
Stars hate it when you kiss their ass too hard
- I hate it when people kiss my ass too hard - You do?
You hate it when people kiss your ass too hard?
I hate it
- Man! - Hey I feel like we're going to prom
Okay, well, we're not Okay, let's hit it!
This is good I like this one
about the guy from MySpace and the guy from Craigslist getting into a fight
That's funny
You're excited
- I am excited - Yeah, that's good It's good to be excited
- I used to be excited - Well, it's awesome It's exciting
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Wow!
GEORGE: Thank you!
Yeah!
Brought the nice legs with you Good job
- Hello, hello - Good to see you, sir
- Welcome aboard - Thank you
- The name's Dave - Hi, Dave
We may hit a few bumps up there, nothing too crazy We'll get you there
- Okay, cool! - All right
- Hope you enjoy Chinese food - I love it!
- Very good Enjoy your flight - Thank you
Wow!
You guys were a little late, so we had to put up James Taylor first
(SINGING) Karen, she's a silver sun
You'd best walk her way and watch it shine
Watch her watch the morning come
A silver tear appearing now that I'm cryin', ain't I
I'm going to Carolina in my mind
- How'd you guys get him? - Everybody's got their price
Last year, we had Roger Waters doing Dark Side of the Moon
That love's the finest thing around
Okay, I thought it could be funny if you just go,
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
All right Hey, you do five minutes before I go up there
What? No No, I can't follow Fire and Rain Are you kidding me, man?
I can't follow it, either That's why you're going up there
Oh, yeah
Thank you, MySpace!
Fuck Facebook!
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)
- I can't believe that - He did the Facebook joke!
- (LAUGHING) Yeah! - He did the Facebook
I can't follow this, man I can't go on right now
Give me this shit Get up there Be a man
This is a pretty big room
Lot of people here
Let's have another round of applause for James Taylor, everybody
Yeah, do you actually use MySpace?
No, no, no I fuck girls, Tom I don't have time for that
I wonder if Tom and Craig from Craigslist would ever get in a fight with each other
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Who would win that fight? That's what I want to know
Tom or Craig, who's tougher?
Tom has more friends, so that's probably good
Craig has weirder friends, though
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Craig has friends that are willing to do a lot more for cash I will say that
Eh?
What the fuck was that all about? You did all the jokes you wrote for me
Man, I know I'm sorry I panicked It's all they wanted
They just wanted MySpace jokes They didn't want
That's why I hired you to write me MySpace jokes
I know, I'm sorry That one, I didn't tell that one That one will work
- I guarantee you - It better work They're paying me 300 grand
- TOM: Mr George Simmons! - Really?
Thank you Thank you All right, Tom, thank you
Good evening, nerds! Yes!
What about Ira, everybody? How'd you feel about Ira Wright? Yeah
That guy, man
He is such a fucking nerd, I can't believe he doesn't work with you people
Tom started MySpace just to get friends, I know it
So, they say the more friends you have on MySpace,
the less friends you have in real life You know?
(IN HUSKY VOICE) "I have 100,000 friends on MySpace!
"Yes!
"Isn't that great? I have so many friends on the computer"
"What are you doing tonight?" "I'll be on the computer
"That's what I do"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Do you ever get tired of singing the same songs, you know, over and over?
Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Yeah, it's always shocking when a girl blows you
You're like, "Really? You want to do it? All right"
I got some advice for the ladies out there
When you are performing that act on a fellow don't ever say,
"You know, you're the first guy I ever got the whole thing in my mouth
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"Normally, normally, I get, like, halfway down and I just start fucking choking,
"but with you, I got a ball in my mouth!
"That's never happened!
"Look, I have him in my mouth right now, and I'm speaking perfectly clear
"Normally I have a stutter"
That wasn't a pee, that was a shit That took too long
- Here's 1,000 bucks Good job - Thank you so much, man
I've never made this much money doing anything, man Thank you
Good I'm thinking about doing a lot more stand-up
- Okay - And my assistant got pregnant
I didn't even know she I thought she was a fucking lesbian
- the whole time, but - They can get pregnant, too
- That's nice That's very nice - Yeah
So, you want to kind of assist me, you know?
- Yeah! Yeah - I mean, not, not
I mean, you can write jokes for me, too,
- but get me sodas - Whatever you need, man!
- And, like, clean my shit up and - Yeah
- How much money you make now? - It depends on how many hours
- Usually, I can get about - I'll give you 1,500 bucks a week
- That's amazing, man Thank you so much - You want to fuck these two girls?
Yeah, sure I'd love to bang them
- Mandy - Well, hi there
You're still swimming? Get the fuck out of there
- I'm ready for you - Yeah Oh, my God
- Oh, God Feel that stomach - Oh, yeah
- I like that thing - Good Well, go for it
It's hard Bam!
(EXCLAIMING)
MANDY: This house is crazy
GEORGE: Yeah, you got to see the whole thing
- Come here It came furnished - Really?
(GEORGE MOANING)
GEORGE: That's my man, Ira He wrote a lot of good jokes for me there, honey
Make sure he shows you his cock It's very, very thick
(BOTH LAUGHING)
See you, George
Hey, wanna have a contest to see who can hold their breath the longest?
(GASPS)
(SPITS)
You didn't go under
Nothing's gonna happen between us
I can't believe I'm having sex with George Simmons
Yeah, he can't believe it, either
My dad loves your movies
Yeah, that's the best when you talk about your dad
(MOANING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Dad, this won't bring Mom back!
I have nothing else!
BO Y: You're a champion, Dad! You're a champion!
Oh! You're still here
I know that asshole
You two were just fucking, huh? How'd that go?
No, I have a boyfriend We already talked about it
- Yeah John - Yeah
Your friend took off She thought you left, so
- Really? - That's what happens in a big house
It's called "the big house problem"
Your friend actually left her purse down the hall
- You want to go get it with me? - Oh Okay
(GEORGE MUMBLING)
Don't you leave on me, Ira
Fuck me like MerMan!
Come on! Do MerMan! Do the MerMan call!
Come on! Yeah!
(WHOOPING)
Yeah! Oh, God!
- Hey - Oh Hey
Sorry about the chick, man I
You weren't getting it done, so something had to happen
Oh, that's No, she I wasn't even trying She told me she had a boyfriend
Oh, yeah She told me she had a boyfriend, too
(SINGING) When she was sucking my cock!
(GAGGING)
(RETCHING)
What the fuck are you doing with that big dick of yours?
You gotta use it! You gotta share Thickie with the world
I don't It's normal
You want to go upstairs, man? Talk to me while I try to fall asleep?
Okay, if Yeah, if that's what you want me to do
Yeah, yeah Sit down, man That was a fun night
- That was a good night - Yeah, that was crazy
- Yeah - So, you slept with both those girls, man
How did you do that?
How did I do that? There's this
Girls like famous guys It's a story for them, I guess I don't know
I take advantage of it, though Believe me, they always leave disappointed
(YAWNING)
That's amazing
Yeah, yeah, so let me hear about this name, Ira Wright
That's not your real name, right?
How could you tell?
(CHUCKLES)
You're hiding some Judaism
No, my real last name is Wiener It's Ira Wiener and everyone
It's spelled the same as "wiener" and I just got tired of correcting people
So, that's what led you to the path of comedy
Being humiliated every day First day of school,
(IN FEMALE VOICE) "Is Ira Wiener here?"
And you were in the back
(IN KID'S VOICE) "Wiener My name's Wiener"
You little fruit What were your parents like?
What are the older "Wieners" or Wieners like?
My parents are divorced
They hate each other My mother thinks my father's the devil
I don't know what that makes me, technically, but
- So, you'll never be as funny as me - Why not?
Your generation has the divorces, which is cute-funny,
but my generation has the, "Oh, my God, my father's about to hit me with a bat!"
I just You gotta break out the funny a lot quicker than your little faggy childhood
(YAWNING)
Are you serious?
I spent my whole childhood trying to make my father laugh
I still haven't succeeded, but we'll get there
Don't bail on me yet Keep it coming
When's the first time you fingered a girl?
I was at summer camp, Jewish summer camp, on the sports field
And her name was Sharon Mizrahi
I didn't know what to do I got really scared
She reached down and grabbed my penis really hard,
like she was just trying to murder it
- Morning - Yeah, baby
It took me three hours, but I think I found your kitchen
Am I in the bathroom still? Is that it?
No, no You're good You're safe
- What do you got there? - This is medicine, Ira I'm sick
One of those girls have chlamydia? I thought she smelt funny
- Is that what it is? - Yeah
I have a weird blood disease AML It's a form of leukaemia
This is experimental medicine from Canada
There's an 8% chance of it working So, fuck me
Well, that's not true 'cause if it was, I would've read about it or heard about that
You didn't hear about it because
I didn't fucking run out and tell Entertainment Tonight
- Well, why would you tell me? - 'Cause I don't really know you, Ira
I think you're not gonna get too weird about this
I don't want to start getting treated like the guy who's gonna die
So, anyways, this shit's got a lot of caffeine in it
They say that's good for you Let me take the medicine
Why are you telling me this, George?
'Cause I want you to possibly do me a favour
Okay Yeah What?
Kill me
- What? - Nobody knows we know each other
You're a stranger You can get away with this
I got a gun in the other room It's untraceable
I'll give you $50,000
Don't make me suffer Please, kill me, Ira I'm begging you
Can you at least give me, like, a night to think about it?
Ha!
- Think about it? You would do it! - Oh, I hate you, man Oh, no!
Ira, I misread you You're sick! You're a murderer!
- Screw you, man - You wanted to do it!
What would you have done for $100,000? Chop my head off?
You would still want to do it!
That wasn't even good acting over there!
- What the fuck? - That was good acting
Daniel Day-Lewis would've crushed that speech
I bought that, man Wow!
Ira, you don't have to kill me, but I am gonna die
- George, look Honestly, I'm like - Don't get close, Ira
- a really gullible guy - Don't do this
Look, my friends, they trick me all the time
One of my roommates told me he was Joe Pesci's son
I believed him for three years I still get shit for it,
so just, please, level with me, man
- Are you serious? - I am serious, Ira
Don't tell anybody about this though, all right?
I want it to be our secret
Now, you're gonna make me some eggs Okay, murderer?
- (SOFTLY) Don't say that - Just try not to kill any of the staff
while I'm gone, okay? They have families
IRA: Well, he actually tricked me first, but then he showed
I mean, he's taking medicine
He's getting this special medicine from Canada
MARK: Oh, my God, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard
Yeah I think I'm the only person he's told
That's what he said I mean, he's really He likes me, in a weird
I think he's, like, taken a shine to me, you know
Not enough to let you in on that two-on-one
- Come on, that's not appropriate - I don't want that anyway
IRA: I just don't know I mean, it's It's really scary I've never even
I don't think I've known anyone who's, like, sick,
you know, in like a major way before I don't I just
LEO: George Simmons He's been around my whole life
It's like Snap, Crackle and Pop dying, you know?
- IRA: I know - Can we not talk about this right now?
I'm not really good with the whole death thing
Is that all right?
I need to talk about it, man I work for this guy now
I can't I mean, that's all I'm It's all I'm thinking about
I'm gonna tell you this story that makes me feel all right with death
When I was younger, my grandfather died and we were all gathered around him
and there was this one candle next to his bed
And right after he died, the candle started flickering and then it just went out
- Wow - Yeah
And we looked around, and there were no windows
Like, nothing in that room
And it sounds crazy, but we all thought it was him going to heaven, you know?
You don't pass through fire to get to heaven
I think he went to hell
(SCOFFS)
- What'd you just say? - LEO: I just
I think your grandfather probably went to hell
- Don't do it - Are you kidding me right now?
I'm I'm sorry to break it to you
You're gonna make fun of me right now, just after I opened up to you guys like that?
It's not my fault your grandfather's in hell It's not a big deal Some grandpas go to hell
- Come on - Don't be a jerk to me
just because I make more money than you guys
How much do you make again?
(LEO LAUGHING)
You guys are just projecting all your hatred onto me
Okay, and don't be super bummed out
'cause your grandfather's playing backgammon with Hitler right now
Shit, dude, don't
(GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)
GEORGE: I gotta get rid of this stuff
Man, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it
The more money you make, the more free shit they give you
It makes no sense I don't see any jet skiing in my near future
All this shit was free?
You want a TV, Ira? I got, like, three flat screens laying around in there somewhere
Sure, I can Yeah, I can just take this stuff to Goodwill if you want or
You know what? Don't even worry about this stuff Let's
I got some cars in storage you could sell for me and just give that money to charity
- I can do that, yeah - I'm gonna write a list out for you,
give you a bunch of things I want you to do
- What size sneaker are you? - Eleven and a half
(EXCLAIMS) You got that thick cock, don't you? I want to see that thing
- Come on, pull the cock out - I'm not gonna show it to you
What the fuck's the matter with you? I'm not gonna do anything with it
I just want to know what I'm dealing with
- If you give me an iPod - You asshole
All right, you can have anything in here, but you gotta take the MerMan poster
- No, I want I love MerMan! - I knew you loved MerMan
You and five-year-olds love MerMan
It's a smart movie
DIRECTOR: Scene D is up! Let's go on a bell Yo Teach!
(BUZZING)
And action!
- All right now - Bradford!
- Yeah? - What is this?
- Bo's English test - Well, there's a mistake
Well, yeah, there are lots of mistakes That's why there's an F on it
PRINCIPAL: You know, if Bo doesn't pass, he can't play in the big game Friday
Either you make this right,
or you'll be spending the summer teaching driver's ed Honk, honk!
- Shit - I can't be a part of this I'm not
Yeah I'm gonna go
- This is just so painful, though, isn't it? - Yes, I want to kill myself
So, where are you from, originally? You just moved here, right?
Yep Delaware
- Delaware! Our first state in the Union - Yes, it is
That's great No sales tax in Delaware, right?
Yeah, there's not That's weird You know so much about Delaware
- You fucking Joe Biden? - He's from Delaware See? I knew that
Bo, you're a smart kid I've seen you rap
- Yeah! - All right?
Now, I am willing to give you a makeup exam on this, all right?
- Do you like music? - Did you just ask me if I liked music?
Yeah That I'm I'm aware that that's a weird question
- It's like asking me if I like food - That was my next question
- Yes - Good
Wilco Do you like Wilco? Wilco's playing at the Greek Theatre
And I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to go with me
- Yeah I'll go I'd be into that I like Wilco - Great
Okay, great, great So, I guess we will go to the show together
Not any more
You serious?
- No, I'll go - Okay Thank you
- Just don't say that ever again - Okay I won't
- Yo, Teach! - Yeah?
- Thanks - Word
(SINGING) Do-ra-mi, wiener
My name is Wiener
Don't call me wiener
Whatever You got any jokes for me, dum-dum?
Got some good ones, I think, actually
I have a thing about how, like, you're rich, you know,
and so you bought a private jet, but you're afraid of flying,
- so you just drive in it - That's funny
You just go to drive-throughs and car washes
Yeah, yeah, yeah I'll come up with the ending, but that was good
I thought it could be funny about your balls, you know, about how, like,
you're getting older and you found the first grey hair on your balls
And it really worried you, but then you realised it was good
'cause it made your balls look distinguished and smart
Like, if you gave your balls a little tweed jacket with elbow pads and a little pipe,
your balls could be like a character Kevin Kline would play in a movie
Yeah, that's funny, that's funny I could do that
- What else you got? - Actually, this just kind of happened
I'm making you an iTunes playlist
- For what? - Sometimes, when I'm upset,
music makes me feel a little better, so I thought maybe
Oh, it's a cheer-me-up thing?
I was gonna just put it on your iPod I don't have to play it right now
- For what? For when I go out jogging? - I don't need to
Let me hear it I don't jog any more Let me hear my playlist
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERING) Ira! Ira!
- Okay, you don't have to make fun of it - No, Bob Marley!
Yes Everything is gonna be all right You're right, Ira
Bob Marley had cancer Everything wasn't all right for Bob Marley
He dead now
(LAUGHS) What else you put on there for me?
I really don't want to do this, George
Can we just I'll Just forget I did this Ignore it I'll erase it, okay?
No, no, no, don't do that Let's hear what's gonna cheer me up! This is good
- Come on What else you got? - Okay, here's the next one
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(MOUTHING) Now I've had the time of my life
No, I never felt like this before
I don't know what to say to that one
That's That's just That's just fifth grade and
Showing me your cock was embarrassing, but this is okay?
Oh, God That's a good song
(LAUGHS) Yeah, what else? Give me more This is This is unbelievable
(SIGHS) You sure you want to hear another one?
- I don't - Yeah! Yeah, yeah
- This is fun to be cheered up - (SIGHS) I'm sorry
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Shadows are falling And I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you, it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while
When you get up in the morning And you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
Just write me some jokes, you stupid, fucking idiot
Okay, I'm sorry
Keep me in your heart for a while
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So, I'm not married I don't think I'm ever gonna get married
I just I can't find a reason to do it, you know?
Like, I got friends, like,
"You gotta get married My wife My wife is a She's the best cook
"My wife's the You gotta"
And I'm like, "My cook's the best cook"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"But my wife, she's my best friend"
"Yeah, my cook's actually a pretty good guy " You know?
This could be funny
Like, your dad didn't like you, so he named you and your dog George
He'd be like, "Hey, George, come in here!
"Not you, the dog"
"George, I Look at this awesome book I just got!"
And then you come in, it's like, "Not you, the dog"
- That's funny - Yeah
"Hey, George, I made a nice steak for you" "Hey, thanks, Dad"
"Not you, the dog"
"Hey, George, I just put some peanut butter on my balls Come lick it up You"
Fuck him
Aeroplanes are the last public place
where you can fart as loud as you want and no one cares
'Cause they don't It's loud There's engine noise
They just don't know it's you
Like, you could literally be talking to someone you just met
and be sitting this far away from them
and look them dead in the eye as they talk about their grandson
and just fart as loud as you humanly can Just
(IMITATES FART)
"Yeah? Where's your grandson from?"
My asshole's been open this whole time It's just still
Hey, can you help me with some of my jokes when I When I drop you off later?
Help you with some of your bits?
- Yeah - No I'm not gonna help you, man
No one helped me when I started
Fucking, I'm not paying to help you, I'm paying you to help me
No, okay You're right, you're right
There is always the one girl out there, though The one that got away
Guys have that and serial killers have that The one that got away
"I had her, the trunk was lined with garbage bags
"and then she got away"
I'm sick of rap songs telling me what to do
"Bend over Slap your ass, girl Drop it like it's hot"
Yeah, I'm gonna write a song back
I'm gonna be, like, "Boy, brush your teeth!
"Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off your back I'm fucking cold as shit!"
I masturbate so much with hand cream,
I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating
Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream,
I'm like, "This guy's about to jerk off!"
Can I ask you something?
Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again?
All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting
You think a girl's gonna come up to you after the show,
"Could you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?"
It's fucking insane! Do you want to get laid, ever?
(SINGING) How will you people live without me?
Who will bring you joy when I'm gone?
'Cause I'm one funny man
I bring the comedy
I am the one you go to, to get cheered up
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Put in my movies
Escape, if you will To a land of loveliness
He doesn't have patience
He hates so many people He's mad when others do well
He hates himself Fuck George Simmons
He has a medium-sized penis
He fucked so many girls And yet no one remembers
When he's done fucking them
The girl just lays there and says
I should have fucked Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you
Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
George Simmons soon will be gone
And he will not miss you people at all
Our relationship has always been strained
You always wanted too much from me, and I'm very mad at you
Leave me alone Don't visit my grave, cocksuckers
Peace!
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
IRA: Oh, my God, it's George Simmons!
What are you doing here? What's happening?
I couldn't sleep I want to get the Cavaliers game
I can't get this thing ever to work
I was up all night, man I had a terrible sleep I was sweating my ass off
I'm fucking hot one second and cold one second
and the alc don't work for shit
It's always going up to the roof
- What time is it? - It says 3:00
It's 3:00? God damn it! I can't fucking waste time I gotta
All right, let's start my goddamn day
I don't got time for this shit Let me have that stupid clicker Come on
They keep telling me that I gotta dial an extension
I don't even have the fucking number to dial for the fucking extension!
Do you want me to try calling them?
You should have fucking called them! Where the fuck were you last night?
- You'll call them - I'm sorry, man
Just tell me what you need, I'll get it done, okay?
You pay for all of this stuff and none of it ever works!
Nothing! I don't even think I'm sick! These guys are trying to fucking kill me!
I want to go to the doctor I gotta see this guy
What the fuck is happening?
This medicine does not work It makes it worse!
Okay I'll call them right now I'll tell them we're coming, okay?
- Now We gotta go now - I'll call them right now, okay?
Yeah I'll meet you downstairs
(ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN)
Please put away the video game Don't do that Don't be rude
- I'm sorry - Fucking playing Centipede?
- What the fuck were you playing? - Just a driving game
- Hello, Mr Simmons - Hey, yeah, Doctor, good to see you
How are you? I brought my friend
This is my Well, my lover, my life partner, my everything
How are you? What's going on? How we doing?
Well, your immune system is in the middle of a very serious battle
The medicine is trying to combat the disease,
but in the process it destroys healthy tissue
and disrupts healthy functioning of your organs and multiple lymphatic systems,
so you're getting attacked on two levels
And we hope the disease is vanquished
before it and the medicine does damage which cannot be contained
- Okay - Your accent is very thick
You ever notice your accent
makes things sound worse than they Than they actually are?
You could give good news, and I'd still be like, "What happened? Am I still dying?"
I'm just trying to help you
I know you sound like a regular Joe where you come from,
but here I keep thinking you're gonna be torturing James Bond later
I'm sure your sense of humour will serve you well in this situation
There he goes again All so terrifying because it came out of your mouth
You are a very funny man
Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?
I don't understand the reference
He kind of looks like those two guys in the second Matrix movie
(CHUCKLES)
I assure you I was not in The Matrix
Why did you eat Björn Borg? What did he do to you?
If you have no other questions, I do have other patients
You have other patients that you have to frighten by the end of the day?
How many patients do you frighten a day?
And I am slowly getting a little bit annoyed by these humorous activities from you guys
So, I think you and
We have discussed this and I am very, very sympathetic to your recovery,
and I hope we will succeed with what we are doing
I've been trying to build this cabinet I bought from you guys
for, like, six months and I gotta
IKEA? That's very funny
- Hey Yo, Teach - Hey
How's How was the taping?
Great Great, yeah I'm happy with it I think the ending really murdered
Was it a very special episode?
- You remember Daisy, right? - Yeah, of course
- Hey - MARK: I'm sorry
I didn't know you'd be coming home tonight
I thought maybe you'd be spending the night at George's and
Guess it's been more than 10 days, huh?
(SOFTLY) Yeah, I gave you an extra 11
- What are you guys talking about? - Nothing Doesn't matter It's cool
Don't give a shit Totally fine
Hey I saw the new Harry Potter movie
Harry's getting old
He's, like, older than my dad They should call him Harold Potter
That Hermione's got some big, old titties
Whoa!
Did you two just bone? I'm getting a little vibe here
This is exciting Think I'm getting a quarter chub
(SIGHS)
Why is Ira so upset?
It's been, like, way after 10 days
He can't call dibs on every girl he meets
We were supposed to go out on a date together
We are going out on a date I thought so
- We're not any more! No! - Really?
'Cause after you fuck my roommate that kind of ends it with me!
What are you talking about? Don't treat me like that
Just so you know how I'm seeing you? You're a starfucker
You're a girl who met a star and then fucked him
And he's not even that famous!
What if like a real good-Iooking celebrity was my roommate?
What if I lived with, you know, James McAvoy or Jude Law or something?
I don't know I probably would fuck both of those people
- Don't say that - I'm sorry! Lower the bar a little bit
I can't believe that!
(GROANS)
If a hot girl walked over here, naked, and was like, "Do my body," you would
- You would have sex with her - No, I'd feel really uncomfortable
And then I might ask her to a Wilco show
Okay, then you're the first guy in the world that I've ever met that's like that
I thought you were the kind of girl that would wait two months
and then have sex with a guy
- I didn't think you would just - I'm an independent woman
I'm allowed to fuck people
Well, if I had known that, I would have scheduled our date a lot sooner!
Give me a break I don't even know you
This is the longest conversation we've ever had
Don't be mad at me I said I'd give you 10 days
I gave you three weeks
I thought you were joking, man I'm gonna be honest with you
We We We want to fuck every girl that we meet
That's how it works If I didn't sleep with every girl you wished you could sleep with,
I wouldn't sleep with anybody
It's a communication breakdown We can fix this
I don't care The fact that you had sex with her
I can never do anything like that with her
So, you're really not gonna chase this girl just because I was with her?
Yeah
Huh
It's kind of insulting, on some level
Wanna go to Wilco with me?
I wish I could, but I'm going with Tobey Maguire
I might play his little brother in this movie
(SIGHS)
I hope I get it
GEORGE: Give me something You didn't get rid of them What did you get rid of?
IRA: Well, I, you know, I got a few good offers,
but honestly, I don't know how much each car is worth and I
They keep on wanting to buy all of them
- and it's hard for me to - Don't make it a big deal
Don't get a stomach-ache over it Just sell them
- Give it to a charity Move on - Okay
I just want to be happy about
- giving something away, you know - Okay
So
There's something I've really been wanting to tell you, George
Uh-oh
Yeah
I feel as though you need to tell someone other than me about your condition
- I don't want to do that - George, people care about you
You have to let them be there for you
I tell somebody, then it's all gonna change, and you can't get it back
Everything's already changed, George,
and the truth is soon you're gonna start getting very sick
and you are gonna want someone other than me there
I mean, have you Have you even told your parents yet?
My parents are in their mid-70s
They would drop dead if they heard about this
- Friends You must want to tell your friends - I don't really have any friends
I have people I shoot the shit with and fuck around with,
but there's nobody I'm really close with
I've got showbiz friends
Andy Dick isn't a friend He's just a guy you know
You're my closest friend, and I don't even like you
(SIGHS)
You have to tell someone other than me, man
I can't be the only one who knows
I've never dealt with anything like this All my grandparents are alive
Listen, this is not your job to cry Your job is to not cry
I'm just trying to talk to you man-to-man, George
- As a man, you are crying right now - I'm not crying
People are gonna think we just broke up or something, Ira
- Stop doing what you're doing - Okay, I'll stop
You're causing a scene You're making crazy faces now, Ira
Open your eyes Stop crying
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You're making noises now? You look like the Incredible Hulk
(SPLUTTERS)
Jesus, you're spitting on my shrimp,
- you asshole - I'm sorry
(SNIFFLES)
- God, I'm sorry - Come on Wipe it off
Jesus Christ
I'm sorry, I just don't know
This is the worst
Why didn't I just get hit by a fucking foul ball?
You ruined The Palm, you fucking ass
This could have been the best meal, ever
- Should I get you ice chips or something? - No, I'm good
You never had any kids, huh?
- No No We didn't get to that - I have three
- I know - Three kids to carry on the Dick legacy
How the hell did you have any kids with all the penises you've blown?
I sucked my own dick and spit it into their vagina
I mean, knowing that Most people just go through life asleep anyways
Some of those people don't even wake up until they get, you know,
the Dr Death call, you know
(IN HUSKY VOICE) "This is Dr Death! You're going to die"
(RASPING) "Don't be afraid, George It's just Death calling Cheer up, motherfucker!"
- Yeah - Fuck negativity
Fuck it in the ass with a Chinese monkey!
I wish I wasn't so fucking angry with you right now
Well, I'm sorry I'm sorry I wasn't a good brother
You were a terrible brother
You just left us and you didn't care You didn't give a shit about us
- You don't even give a - You moved to Kansas
- Am I supposed to visit you in Kansas? - Yes
I thought that's why you moved there, so you didn't get visitors
- You're so fucking selfish - I know
You've only seen my son, like, three times
- I send him fucking DVDs all the time - He doesn't want your DVDs
He wants you to be a part of his life He wants to be a part of yours
Wow This has been great
I want to call Dad now and just have more family time
What did we ever do to you? I'm not Dad
You are right
You're very, very nice, and I'm sorry I don't know your son
I'm sorry I don't know you any more
- I'm glad you don't know me - I wish I did
You'd be let down, believe me
Oh, man
Oh, God
- Who's that? - That's the girl I was gonna marry,
(DOORBELL RINGS)
But then she smartened up
- So, she's 10 and she's six - GEORGE: So cute
- Jeez, she looks like you, the little one, huh? - Yeah
What's the matter? Your guy doesn't have any DNA in him?
- That's all Laura - They fight a lot, but they're cute
Yeah Thank you so much for coming here
- I wanted to come I wanted to see you - You didn't have to come here
You didn't have to I know it's stressful for you
I'm just I'm just I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry about everything I did
You don't have to be sorry That was 12 years ago
Everything worked out for the best It's good Look at your life This is great
Yes It's the best life I hate it I hate it all
- I haven't been - You don't hate it
I'm addicted to it, I guess I keep doing it
Hello, Wayne This is Ira I'm calling to say
I don't think today is a good day for you to come by and see George
Maybe tomorrow So, I'll give you a call when I know what the schedule looks like
Thank you I'll talk to you soon
You have a family now You have a family now
I'm so happy You did the right thing You moved on
You got a good life
And And I just got nothing, Laura I hate that
I hate that it could have been me with you
- Don't do that, please? - I'm sorry I just fucking
You I could have had those kids with you
How could you cheat on me? I was so hot
- You were You were so hot I don't know - I was hot!
I don't even know what the fuck I was doing
I was just a stupid idiot I don't remember anybody else
- What was wrong with you? - I don't remember anybody else
I only remember you I don't know
I don't even know who they were, who fucking ruined us
They're not in my brain, ever It's like it didn't happen
The only thing that happened was us And you ran away 'cause you had to
I had to go
At the time, I just couldn't do it any more
- Yeah - But you know what I realised?
I love my husband,
but it's just not the same
And I loved you so much and
I know, I know, I know, I know
I have the same thing I have the same thing
Don't feel bad Don't feel bad
I love you I love you I always loved you
And the crazy thing is he cheats on me, too
- I hate - He's like an Australian you
I fucking hate this guy Is he crazy?
It's just that you were the one
Just you are Were Are the love
Love of my life And I just love you
Yeah, the hug was a mistake, wasn't it?
You're not sick, are you?
You're just doing that to get me down here, huh?
(LAUGHS)
- There are those hands again - My big hands
Always made my penis look small
(LAUGHING)
Thank you, hands, for that complex
Yes Jeez
The two of them together, it was a guaranteed dwarfing Okay
(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)
Yeah
That was worth it
- We're into overtime now, just so you know - (LAUGHS) Jeez, that came quick
I wish that you guys were really my friends and I didn't have to pay you to jam with me
All right, so let's keep going then
(PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC)
(SINGING) All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I
- Diego - Yes, George?
- The roses look terrific - Thank you They sure look beautiful
Only a guy with a big cock like you could make roses this beautiful
Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone
It's real love It's real
Yes, it's real love
You doing stand-up at all?
This is actually the first time I've left the house in three years
But I will sometimes, in my house, in front of my kids, I'll do five, six minutes
Not good stuff It's a lot of "Where you from?" You know
But, you know, all kidding aside, I know you're in a terrible situation,
but even with that, you look so much better than him
(ALL LAUGHING)
(SINGING) The Kingdom of Heaven is, is in your hands
I don't expect for you to awake from your dreams
We watched your last movie on video
A man who is funny doesn't have to work blue
You don't You don't have to do trash to be funny
- I'll tell you who was a great comedian - Please say me Who?
- Jackie Gleason - Yeah, of course
You like him 'cause you look like Art Carney
Gleason was terrific And you ain't so bad
- All right Thank you, Pop - I know
(SINGING) It's real
It's real love, oh, yeah
(INAUDIBLE)
It's real love, yeah
It's real love It's real
I think I played it all wrong, Ira
(SIGHS)
I played it all wrong
Okay He's here We saw each other Let me answer it Mark
- Stop - Let me answer it Mark, man
Move, bitch!
- Hey, George Simmons Hey - Hey, what's up?
- Happy Thanksgiving - Hey!
- Mark - Leo is the name I got
- How are you? - Yeah, yeah Yo Teach!
- That's right! - Yeah, right
Oh, boy
That movie's the best 'cause you're a man then you're a baby
and then you learn to be a man once you be You need
It takes becoming a baby to learn how to become a man
Yeah Can we get you a drink or some food?
No, no, no Let me just walk around and go through your shit
(MARK LAUGHS)
Hey, I'm Bo
- What's up, Bo? - I'm an actor, so
Good, good, good, good, good, good
- GEORGE: I've seen your act a lot - Really? Where?
Schmira, he has that What's that, the YouTubey thing that, that
DAISY: The YouTube GEORGE: Yeah
George and Daisy are here? How the hell did that happen?
I didn't think George would come, and who invited Daisy?
I invited her
- Are you still sleeping with Daisy? - No, I'm not sleeping with Daisy!
I have a new girlfriend now I'm dating the girl who plays Mrs Pruitt
Her name's Carla something
I'm gonna go
- My man The Schmira - Thanks for coming, man
This is the best Where's your bedroom?
Well, get ready for a hike, 'cause you're standing in it
- No - It's Yeah, it's pretty lame
- Did you go to that Wilco show? - Yeah, did you?
(LAUGHS) No, actually, I didn't I scalped the tickets
- I made 100 bucks profit, so - So, you owe me 50
- Okay, I guess I do Rain check, okay? - Money order
- Money order? That'll work - Yeah
- PayPal? Are you on PayPal? - Yeah, PayPal it up
Look at that, back and forth, like a cute couple
You're like Marc Anthony and J Lo
You know, we actually had a date, but then I had sex with that guy,
- so Schmira broke it off - GEORGE: You kidding me?
Don't worry, Ira You know you're a better lover than Pete Rose over there
Look at him He's got the length and the width
Imagine that dong of his
I saw the tip of it one time Even that was too big for me
- No, it's very normal - Yeah
So, you like big penises?
Well, you know, I have a really skinny vagina, so
If it's skinny, you should try feeding it carbs
(LAUGHING)
- Yeah - All right, well, jeez, you know what?
I'm gonna leave you two alone, huh?
- Yeah, okay - I'm falling in love with the both of you
- Let the awkwardness begin! - MAN: Love your work
GEORGE: Yeah? Thank you for shopping at Ralphs
I'm sorry I owe you an apology It's really weird what I did
I basically yelled at you for cheating on me before we had even had a real conversation
So, I'm aware of that I know that's weird, and I'm sorry
Well, it's not as weird as getting drunk
and having sex with the guy from Yo Teach! So
It's okay When I first moved here, I blew Mr Belvedere
(DAISY LAUGHS)
So, everyone does that
- He's walking George is walking to us - Hello, ladies
So, Leo? What's the excuse for not writing me jokes?
- What? - You could have made money
I told both you guys to write jokes for me, and you decided not to
What, did you have to go to LensCrafters that day?
I was just joking I like your glasses
He wanted both of us to write jokes for him, and you didn't tell me?
I apologise It's not worth, like, losing your shit over, man
What, you don't think I like money? You don't think I like private jets?
You don't think I want a cool job writing for George Simmons?
I just think you're doing well
You know, you're getting gigs at the Improv all the time
You're gonna have people writing for you
You don't need to be writing for other people, you know
I know, I'm just I'm sorry, I just
I wanted something for myself and I just, you know
It's just, you know, fuck you, Ira!
Just 'cause you go into faggy-apology mode
doesn't mean I'm gonna forgive you right away!
Fuck you, man Look, I did the exact same thing you've been doing this whole time
You're being competitive You do that all the time
I'm doing it now, okay?
- I didn't make it competitive! - Yes, you did
Have you ever had to work for money? No
You didn't work at a coal mine, Ira! You worked at a deli! Stop crying about it!
I was only supposed to be on that pull-out couch for six months!
And we were supposed to trade! And we never did!
Yeah, we never did switch after six months
- Yeah Exactly - You know why? 'Cause I pay rent, Ira!
You don't pay rent Your parents pay rent! Why don't they move in? It's your fault
Hey, hey, hey Pilgrims, Indians, can we please stop fighting?
It's Thanksgiving We have guests inside Please stop
I'm not fighting any more I'm done fighting
- Thank you - LEO: You called Daisy a starfucker?
Why don't you go cup George Simmons' balls
while you talk him to sleep every night, Ira?
- Leo - Sorry
I would let you do that, too My balls are for everybody
Okay It's starting to feel like Thanksgiving around here
Let's eat some food
I can't believe you screwed Daisy, man
What?
So, does anybody want to say grace or anything?
Leo's a good writer, apparently Come on, get up there
Yeah, Leo
- MAN: Leo! - Do it, Leo
- I'm okay, I'm okay - All right, let me go I'll do it for us
Let me get it done
Okay, so first let's give thanks to our families not being here
(ALL AGREEING)
It's always easier, always easier without the family
It's funny, I see you guys and you are just so much younger than me
And I had no idea I was the old guy until I looked at you guys
It was like when I was growing up, I had a big nose
I had no idea until I went to the Gap and saw a three-way mirror,
and I was like, "Wow, I didn't know I had that thing"
(ALL LAUGH)
Yeah No, it's a It's good to be young It kind of sucks being old, so just enjoy this
Enjoy time Time slips away, I promise you
I had a dinner like this 20 years ago
with guys that we just, like, lost touch with each other
I never talk to them any more Some of them are dead
So, yeah, you don't Things slip away
If you love somebody, don't let them slip away
I swear to you,
this will be your most memorable Thanksgiving,
the one that you'll want the rest of your life, the one that you say,
"Man, it was never as good as that night"
So, let this night be great Enjoy the taste of Leo's balls
(ALL LAUGHING)
Rock 'n' roll!
Jesus, every time I'm near you I feel like fucking Danny DeVito
Everybody feels like Danny DeVito when, you know, they walk by me
Yeah You're a giant
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah, yeah, yeah Well, yeah
Um
- I don't want to get your hopes up - Mmm-hmm
We put you on this experimental medication without much optimism
About 8% of all the people that we put on this medication get positive results
Mmm-hmm
You actually belong to these 8%
I looked through your blood work, and I couldn't find any traces of the disease
I don't want to speak too soon, but we may have beaten this thing
Are you fucking with me 'cause I fucked with you?
So, that's the good news, Mr Bond
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
So, this is, this is This is good news
- Like my accent now? - Now I like your accent, yeah
I was excited all morning to tell you this news
So, what happens now? What do I What do I do now?
Maybe you can make another funny movie that I could laugh about
Yeah Wow I wasn't expecting this to really work
I was getting used to being sick
I was actually thinking I was pretty good at that
Get back to your life
(PHONE RINGING)
IRA: Hey, this is Ira I'm not in Leave a message
(PHONE BEEPS)
(SINGSONG) Ira, I have a secret to tell you It will make you happy
- Hi Bonita? - George
I was sick, you know that And I just went to the doctor's
- He said I'm not sick any more - Oh, congratulations
I found the pants you're looking for They are in the closet
- Thank you - Bye, George
George! Is it true?
- It's true - Yes!
- It's all right All right, go ahead - Yeah!
- All right - (LAUGHING) Oh, God! Yeah!
All right, baby
All right, all right Now what the fuck do we do?
Hey, congratulations, George That's awesome, man
- Thank you - You got cured of AIDS
(LAUGHS) I didn't have AIDS
Hey, let me get you a cocktail Hey, not an AIDS cocktail A regular
- No, I don't want a drink I'm good - I'm gonna get one of them ribbons
- You're alive? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Unbelievable! This guy This guy, man
You got the women, you got the fame, and you can't fucking die!
Did you suck the devil's dick? What is it, man?
I wanna know the secret
I actually told a bunch of people we did have sex,
so if you could go along with that
- You did? - Yes
Everybody wants to fuck me, but it's better that I don't
because you don't want
The mystery is definitely more flattering
- Yeah? - And the reality is so, like, flobbety
- Like not the word, but - Floppety? Yeah, lippety
Yeah, I look like this Like a sandwich
Like a There's, like, meat coming
That would have been I could get
(EXCLAIMING) Look at that!
"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"
Shit! Shit! I didn't know you had energy like that Jesus
But I think the best thing for you would be, you know
The best cure, besides the real cure, is to get back to work and do what you do
There are stacks of offers on my desk for you
I mean, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an offer for you
- Good - Yeah, you ready for this?
Paul Rudd wants to do a bromance with you
I think I might I just might even not work for a little while
I was thinking maybe just, like, taking time off,
try to get myself in a relationship with, like, another human being, a normal one
Just see if I can handle that
Funny you should say that I've 'Cause I invited someone
Brought Invited this woman here today that I think you'd really like
I think you'd really hit it off with her
She's She's great She's something new for you
A real person She's not a waitress
- She's not an actress - All right, thanks
You know, the Internet dating thing actually Actually kind of works
- That's good - I've actually been on a couple of JDates
- No way What's that? - Yeah What's a JDate?
What, is that an Internet thing I should know about?
I'm not I don't do that shit
It's a website where Jewish people can find each other
- Really? A whole list of Jewish people? - Yeah
I didn't think Jewish people liked to be on lists
Because of the Holocaust
- Wow - How's this going, by the way?
It's been great to meet you
You know what? I think you fucked up
- How's that? - I think you fucked up I think
(SIGHS)
I don't think you should have took that medicine
Why not?
I don't know Personally, I think you should have just let yourself die
Honestly, man, what are What are you gonna do now?
Make another bullshit movie?
Fuck another chick who doesn't like you?
You know? That was your way out right there
- Hmm - Now you're fucking stuck
Yeah
You're stuck just like me
Can't go to fucking Chuck E Cheese I can't go to Target, I can't go to Best Buy
I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, Kmart You fucking name it, I can't go there
Yeah, that's true
Everyone in this fucking room is either staring at us,
wanting to take a fucking picture
- Yeah Got it - E-mail that to me
- I will That's awesome - Yeah
Who the fuck is that guy right there? That fucking guy right there
What? Ray Romano's bothering you?
Who? Ray, Ray who?
Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond
I don't give a fuck what show he's on I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man!
- Hey - Hey, Ray!
- Hello, Marshall - Fucking problem here, buddy?
Would you like to fuck me? Is that what this is?
I don't get it, man What's going on?
Would you like me to fucking bend over for you right now?
- (WHISPERING) Say no - No, man
(EXHALES)
I just gotta always be on my toes, man
You know?
(SCOFFS) I see that, but not with Ray Romano
- This is why I don't go out of the house - I thought everybody loved you
So, now that you got this, this second chance, man, like, what do you want?
I kind of don't want anything
So, then what are we celebrating?
(PHONE RINGING)
- Clarke? - (IMITATING PIRATE) Yes, it's Clarke
It's Clarke and I I'm calling to check on you, matey
(LAURA LAUGHING)
Yeah
I'm back from the sea It's fun to play with my didjeridu!
(IMITATING PIRATE) You sound a little bit like a pirate
Do I sound Australian? Is this what Clarke sounds like?
That's a terrible Australian accent
What are you doing, Laura?
- Am I bothering you? Is he there? - No, no, no, no, no
Am I supposed to hang up? What's going on?
Clarke's away for business in China
Sent him out for egg rolls again?
Are you guys all right? What's going on?
Mable has her recital tomorrow
- She's singing Memory from Cats - Oh, yeah?
- You know that song, Memory? - Yeah I wish I could be there to see that
- You can come - I can come? All right, I'm coming
Your daughter will be all right with that?
That I'm sitting right next to you holding you tight?
- Stop How are you feeling? - I'm doing good I'm doing
- It is what it is I - So, what happened with your tests?
- Laura, let's not talk about all that - What did the doctor say?
The Swedish Nazi? He never has good news
It is what it is I don't want to talk about it
Come on, let's just talk about you
- What are you doing, Laura? - Do you want me to talk you to sleep?
Oh, my God You remember
You want me to do that for you?
You will talk to me while I try to go to sleep?
I'll put you on speakerphone That will be the best night of my life
Let's not go to sleep yet, though, please Just talk to Laura
IRA: Hello?
- Hi, Ira - Hey, how's it going?
- Ira, you're my best friend - (LAUGHS) I like you, too
- You're my best friend - You sound like you're in a good mood, man
(IMITATING PIRATE) I'm in a great mood because we're setting sail today
We're gonna do a gig together! Ira and Georgie, finally on the road!
We're setting sail, are we? Where, where are we going?
We're going to the Port of San Francisco We set sail on the morrow
How much time am I supposed to do?
Oh, they've booked you to do a minute for every inch of cock you have
You'll be doing two and a half to four minutes,
depending on your mood, little Ira
George, you have a visitor
GEORGE: Oh
- Hi - Whoa!
- LAURA: Hello - Wow
- Hey, hi! - Hey!
- All right - How are you?
- LAURA: I'm good - I'm so psyched you came
- Wow, you look amazing! - Thank you
- Beautiful - I think I overdressed
- No way You look incredible - I just
Where Where is he? Where is the Clarke?
The Clarke? He's out of town I was gonna bring my friend Betsy with me,
but her son started throwing up, so
The husband's out of town, baby's vomiting Rock 'n' roll
(LAUGHING) I like it Yeah Yeah
Anyway, I don't want to keep you
- or get in the way - No, don't run away Come on, Ira, say hello
- Hey, Ira - Hey, how's it going?
So, I'll let you go I just wanted to say hi
No cursing Don't curse so much
Okay, all right! Nothing dirty I don't know how
You just cut my set in half, but that's fine All right, see you, kid
- Okay, good luck - Thanks for coming
You gotta tell her I'm better at intermission, all right?
- You haven't told her that you're better? - No, I'm not good at stuff like that
Just She'll be cool with it She'll be
You're giving her good news, she'll be happy
We're gonna go by her house tomorrow, too
(SIGHS)
Yeah, we're just visiting her I just want to say hi,
see how she's doing, where she lives, that kind of thing
Why did you guys break up in the first place?
- I cheated on her - Why would you cheat on her?
It's easy not to cheat when no one wants to fuck you, you judgemental prick
Okay
I have a theory that Tom Cruise, David Beckham and Will Smith
have mooshed the heads of their penises together
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I think that this has happened I don't think it happened in a gay way
I think it just happened out of boredom I think just rich-dude boredom
Just like, "What have we not done, guys? We've done everything!"
"I'll tell you one thing we haven't done"
And I bet when it happened, it was an epic occurrence It was huge
I think of it all the time
I think first, you know, David and Tom touched dick heads
And it was easy, just zoonk Because there was a magnetic field to it
And then Will Smith started approaching with his dick
and, like, wind started blowing in his face,
and paper started flying everywhere and he just couldn't do it
And they're like, "Come on, Will, get it in there!" "I can't do it!"
Beckham yells,
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Don't cross the streams! It's like Ghost Busters!"
And then he does it and Flash by Queen starts playing
It's just, Flash!
Light shoots into the sky! That's how stars are born, I think
Anyway, I'm Ira Wright Have a good night Thank you, all, very much
- IRA: Hey How's it going? - That was so good!
You seem so surprised
- Well, you looked so nervous before - I was, actually
- That was good That was really good - Thank you I appreciate that
And the ball cleavage thing, that was hilarious
Classic stuff Thank you Glad you're having fun
George says that he's known you for a while How did
- Yeah - How did you guys first hook up?
I was the hat-check girl at the Improv and I was an actress
- So, you kind of - Yeah, yeah
That's good What, were you in anything I might've seen?
I did those, like, Melrose Place and 90210
- Awesome - I always played the bitch
I wasn't that good, actually
No, you must be a great actress, 'cause you're not at all bitchy, so
(LAUGHS)
Thanks, Ira
Okay, look, I'm not Honestly, I'm not supposed to be telling you
what I'm about to tell you because George He doesn't want to jinx it
It's not 100%, but the last time that he went to the doctor,
they couldn't find any trace of the disease in his blood work any more,
- so it seems like he might be better - What are you talking about?
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen
We think he might be okay
George Simmons!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Thank you
Thank you Thank you Yeah
It's great to be here
It's great It's great to be alive!
Yeah, man Thank you Right on Okay
- MAN: Thank you for coming, George! - Thank you All right
That's very nice Man, oh, man
Any other 40-year-olds out there tonight? In their 40s?
It's funny In your 20s you're like, "Fuck you, man Fuck that shit
"Fuck my parents I don't need none of that shit"
In your 30s you're like, "Fuck the President Fuck that guy, that fucking asshole"
In your 40s you're like, "I'm hungry
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"What do we have in the fridge?"
Well, why didn't you tell me? I was just here
Laura, if I told you, you might not have talked to me any more, so I
What are you talking about? That's ridiculous
I knew you forgave me because I was sick
and there was no other way you would forgive me
I know, but it's different now We've been talking What are you No!
- Really? - This is So, what are you So, did the
The doctor said I'm good I'm better for now
I don't know what the hell's gonna happen, but for now the guy said I'm good
(SIGHS)
- I'm so happy - You are happy?
- Mmm-hmm - God, thank you Thank you
GEORGE: All right Yeah
(SIGHS)
- You okay, man? - Yeah, yeah, I'm good
(EXHALES)
I hope they got some food
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey, hey
- Hi! - Hi
I'm so glad you guys came Hello Hi
- Good to see you Wow - Hi How's it going?
- Hello, Ira - Oh! Thank you
- Jeez Beautiful house! - Thank you
How long have you guys been here?
We've been here about five years now
(SNARLS)
- What's up? - This is my friend, George And this is Ira
This is Ingrid
Wow! George didn't mention you had a daughter
- GEORGE: Have you seen any of my movies? - I saw the movie where you had a baby body
So, you saw Re-Do Can you do the face?
(BOTH BABBLING)
GEORGE: Hey, that's a good impression
Don't leave me in the playroom!
This is my daughter, Mable She just got braces
Oh, yeah? Let me see them
You mind if I eat a little bit of that sandwich right there?
- Ira? - I'm I'm full
Do you guys want to play the peanut-butter game?
It's fun You want to play?
- Let's do it! - Ira?
- Yeah, I like peanut butter, yeah - Let's do the peanut-butter game!
- All right! - Hooray!
Peanut-butter game! Peanut-butter game!
Okay, just put a little bit
MABLE: Okay GEORGE: What's she doing?
A little bit
(LAUGHING)
Okay, okay I think that's good
This is what you guys do in your free time? Okay
MABLE: There he is! GEORGE: Oh, boy
LAURA: Come on
(LAUGHING)
GEORGE: He got her He got her
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, so, you're supposed to do it on the ears
- LAURA: George's turn! - Yeah! George's turn!
No I don't want to do that
- LAURA: Yeah, George's turn! - No, Ira will go Let Ira go
No, no, George
- Come on - Okay, all right!
I just washed my hair this morning
BOTH: George! George! George! George!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, God!
No!
- Just not the - Look at this
GEORGE: That's not the game!
(ALL CHEERING)
- And we have a pond with a Buddha and - Wow!
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Does that hurt?
So, what Who is a good You're a good guy, you're a bad guy?
(EXCLAIMING)
- Now I go - And now I go
You can't move You're stuck
- Ira - IRA: Hey
Hey, Laura asked if we want to eat dinner here tonight
Oh, thank you What We
It's like an eight-hour drive back
We won't get home till like 5:00 in the morning that way
GEORGE: We'll figure something out
So, we're gonna go to the grocery store and get some food so I can cook
- Home-cooked meal Perfect - Okay So, you're okay to watch the girls?
Yeah, definitely I'm good with kids
I was a I was a Jewish summer camp counsellor for five years
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
But I'm good with non-Jewish kids, too
Okay, so we'll be right back It's around the corner
GEORGE: Very good
Should I have worn my jogging shoes? Where are we going?
You sure? You sure you want to do this?
Wherever my husband is, he's probably doing the same thing
Mmm-hmm
Okay
Jesus
(SIGHS)
Echo, echo, echo
(LAUGHING)
You know, when I broke up with you,
I tried to find somebody who was the exact opposite of you
But Clarke is exactly like you
It's like I'm programmed to find the same person,
like there's some lesson I'm supposed to learn from it all
How many times did you cheat on me?
I don't want to paint a picture
I was young and stupid, but I changed, I swear to God
How exactly have you changed?
I got a peek at something most people only get to see once
You know, I went to a psychic who told me that
That you and I would get back together when we were 70
And she also said not to eat any chicken
- Well, we couldn't wait - Mmm-hmm
- You loved me before anybody loved me - I know
This is the only place that I ever wanted to be
- When is George gonna die? - George is gonna die?
No Why would you guys say that?
I heard my mom talking to her friend on the phone, and she was crying
I don't want George to die
- Why do you care? You just met him - Shut up
- You shut up! - Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys
George is not gonna die
George, he was sick, but he went to the doctor
and they gave him different types of medicine
until they found one that worked
And now he's gonna be just fine He's gonna live a really, really long time
I think my mommy loves him
Well, you know, we all love him He's made a lot of great movies
- I think she loves him, like, loves him - Love Love, love, love
(SINGING) Love, love, love They're gonna have a baby
Baby, marriage, love
They're gonna have a little MerMan baby
You saved my acting reel? I was wondering where this was
- Why didn't you give this to me? - 'Cause I was watching it
You know, I always get the feeling that you think I'm stupid or something
LAURA: Look at my hair! I look like a leprechaun
- No - LAURA ON TV: I am stupid
Ooh! Is my voice still that high?
No! No, no, no, no No, but they need you back in Munchkinville
- (LAUGHS) They miss the mayor - LAURA: Shut up!
That was the best time in my life
I got something else for you You might remember these
Please tell me you do!
(GASPS)
- Are these my favourite butt jeans? - Yes Yes Yes
- Really? - Yeah, you can have them back
- I'm so excited! - Yeah
Do you think they still fit me?
- I guarantee it - I'm so happy!
I guarantee it Get in those
- These used to kill me - Oh, my God, they're so faded
- Shit! - They fit!
- They look good! - Really?
Yeah, that's the same ass!
Fucking ass is perfect Minus that camel coming out the back
(SINGING) Bump and groove it
To the left now To the right, y'all
Slap that shit!
(BEATBOXING)
- Look at that! They're like Mom jeans - Yes If Mom needed to get banged again
- Thank you - Yeah, get over here
Don't leave me Don't leave me
(DOOR CLOSES)
Oh! Hey, guys, what took you so long?
We were checking out the town, man Beautiful!
Where are the groceries?
We decided that eating in might be more fun
(SOFTLY) Oh, no, you didn't How could you do that, man? No
- I didn't do anything, Ira - No, I know you did it I know you did
All that's missing is your Popsicle Come on
Ira, are you cranky right now? Do you need food in your belly?
- No - Come on, we're gonna order in a pizza
(CARTOONISHLY) Of course, Mr Peters
I'll be at the
(COUGHS) Lunch meeting
You're serving seafood?
(WHIMPERING)
I love seafood!
Okay, see you there!
- Pizza's here! - Yeah
- I'll be right back - Yes
I'm the pizza monster!
(EXCLAIMING)
Hi, honey!
- Clarke - Hi, sweetie
- Hi What are you doing here? - Decided to surprise you
The guy I was meant to have the meeting with had a heart attack
while I was waiting in reception for him
- It was unbelievable - Wow
Next minute, this Chinese George Clooney guy comes running past with, like, the
What's it called? A defibrillator?
- Starts zapping him - Right Yeah, I've seen it
It was like an episode of ER, but with Chinamen
I missed you
- I know you - Yes
(CLEARS THROAT)
How you doing?
This is George Simmons
- He had a big comedy concert last night - Oh, okay
And so, I asked him to pop by and come visit
- Hope that's good I - I love the stand-up comedy
- Yeah, yeah - How'd it go?
They didn't They didn't boo me off the stage, so that was a plus
Yeah, they're a bunch of bloody cheese eaters up here
Yeah No, they were very nice Yeah
You have a You have a very nice family, man,
- and a great, great home - Thank you
Well, it's good to have you home The kids are dying to see you if
- Ira's hungry for - G'day Clarke
Good day, I'm Ira
- Your husband's here - LAURA: Yeah Yep
Ira is George's opening act He's really funny
Really? He looks funny!
- Thank you - How'd you go last night?
You know, they didn't boo me off or anything, so
(SOFTLY) I just said that one
- It was great - Yeah
They just popped by, I gave them a tour of the house
We were gonna have dinner, but it's not
It's probably better that we do family dinner
- since you're only in town a few days - No, stay That's a great idea
- The more the merrier - Okay Let's do that
- Thank you - LAURA: Great
I'm gonna go say hi to the kids
- Okay - Okay
(LAUGHS) That's hilarious
You can't tell him that you're better, okay?
He'll know that something happened between us
- I won't - Okay?
'Cause I've been married for 12 years now and I have kids
And I can't just throw it away this second, okay?
Hey, we'll be fine I'm a good actor You're a great actress
Right He hated you until he found out that you were sick
And if he knows that you were here and that you're feeling better, he's gonna know
- So, don't say anything - Okay, yeah, yeah
Of course Sure I'll do that
People never thought China would do that much business with the US,
but I never saw it as a big deal You look at it like this
You've got a billion people We make all kinds of cool shit
They find out about the cool shit, like, on the Internet and stuff
- And they're gonna want the cool shit - Cool shit's universal
China's been good, but I'm trying to get into North Korea now
That's the next That's, like, the next frontier
- Wow Wow North Korea? - North Korea
Those people would blow you for a Wii Fit
- GEORGE: There you go - This is really good pizza
You know, they say, like, New York has the best pizza
and I always thought pizza in LA was only okay,
but who would have thought, you know,
Marin County is where they were really hiding the good pizza pies
(IRA SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Clarke speaks fluent Chinese
Really? Do you speak Cantonese or Mandarin?
- Oh, well played, Ira Mandarin - Well gayed, Ira
It's a bloody hard language, though, George Jesus
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
(BOTH SPEAKING MANDARIN)
(REPEATING)
That was like a scene from Deer Hunter
(BOTH SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
Girls, you can go and watch TV
Go on Whatever you want to watch
So, George, how's the fight going, mate?
- How is it? - Clarke
This is not something that he wants to talk about right now
He has to think about it every day of his life
And he's taking a break from it right now
(CRYING) It's such a shame that somebody who has brought so much joy
to so many people has to go through this
- Shit Shit - I'm sorry, mate
Laura Laura We don't need to speak in code
I'm sick I think about it all the time
CLARKE: Mate, I don't know how you do it I would be crying in my panties if I was you
I worship guys like you, that attitude
Have you considered Eastern medicine?
Well, I don't know if this is considered Eastern medicine,
but I've been eating a lot of rhino cock
If Clarke thinks it's the right thing to do, let me chew some
For the last time, stop calling me Rhino
(ALL LAUGHING)
George Simmons in my house!
Clarke took an herb once, and he had heart palpitations and diarrhoea
No, it's true I shit myself, mate, and I had a boner at the same time
(LAUGHING)
I want to take an herb that makes me as good-Iooking as you Jesus Christ!
If I were you I'd be at home all day fucking myself
CLARKE: That's what I do!
(GEORGE LAUGHING)
All right! All right! We're cooking
- He's really funny - Mmm-hmm
I don't know why his movies aren't funny, though That's weird, isn't it?
He should put some of that on the silver screen
So, just one drink, okay?
This isn't someone I want to spend a lot of time with
This? This is the Australian me? I'm so much better than this fucking idiot
He seems like the nicest guy, ever
He's trying to cure you with herbs for God's sakes
I can't leave her alone here I have to save her
Save her from her beautiful house and lovely husband
- and delightful kids? - Her husband's a skipping, cheating psycho
You said nothing was going on between you two
The dog could tell that you banged her
And I'm getting nauseous and sweaty I can't
Get away from me! Get away from me! Go play with the kids
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV)
WOMAN: Tim, are you asking me out on a date?
Would you like it to be a date?
Hey, bro, so your doctor called
and he said it is contagious, but only when inflamed, so you're cool
(SCOFFS)
Also, I was trying to do the laundry,
but I think I need to get some industrial-strength detergent
What's up with all the skid marks, Dale Earnhardt, Jr?
Wow, I think I have a class
You guys like this show?
- No! - No!
- It's the worst show, ever - Good
Here you go We're finished with the French shit
- We're into española! - All right
China, man Wow
And you guys never see each other, huh? That must be rough
- Right? Rough on the kids - It's not ideal, but the kids like to eat, so
(LAUGHS)
You ever see this girl act before? She was quite the actress
Well, she's very good at pretending she still loves me,
- so she's pretty good then, isn't she? - (CHUCKLES) Yeah I am
Can't say I watched much of that Melrose Place stuff, though
Although I did see the Party of Five episode you were in
It wasn't really for me, you know
Well, it was down to me and Cameron Diaz for the lead part in The Mask
Cameron Diaz! That's my girl She's a bloody top actress, isn't she?
Hey, what was that film she was in with the bloody spuff in her hair?
Something About Mary!
(EXCLAIMING)
I love that movie! She's so funny! Just about shit my panties in that one
No, no, no, there's not too many girls that are this beautiful and sexy and funny and
She had the whole deal
Yes, but Cameron Diaz, fuck! I mean, come on
See, if you had've done that movie,
you could have had the bloody spuff in your hair
Look out
CLARKE: What are you giving me the evil eyes for?
You're such a dick sometimes
- I'm not Why? - Because
CLARKE: I'm just saying you had your crack, you had your go at it
- I feel like I didn't reach my potential that - Oh, please!
- Oh, please, what? - I didn't reach my potential, either!
- I could have been playing footie! - You weren't that good
- at playing footie - I was
LAURA: You weren't
You should thank me, George I took a bullet here for you
All right, on that note, I'm gonna head back to Los Angeles
- No, come on, stay - No, it's fine I'll split
- It's early - I've been here too long
- Schmira! - We just started a bottle
Nah, nah, nah You guys have been the best Schmira!
Thank you so much for having us, guys Oh!
- Shoot - CLARKE: Uh-oh! Look out
- God, I'm sorry, guys - CLARKE: Someone's had too much to drink
Oh, man, no No, I just kicked your pot by accident, that's all I
- Hold it together there, Schmira - I'm just a Oh, God
- It's okay - You're staying here You're not driving
No way We got a guest house, two spare beds Done
- You two, plenty of room to stay - No, no Ira can drive
- He You're fine to drive, right, Ira? - I am I just kicked your begonias, that's all
No way! I'm not having America's favourite funnyman dead on the side of the road
'cause Schmira here's had too much to drink
- George, you can drive, right? - Bullshit! You're staying here
Plus, there's a game of Aussie-rules footie on the dish tonight
Semi-final Saints versus Maggies Not that American shit I want you to see it
One condition You Aussie pussies got any beer around here?
Yes, it's on
(WHOOPS)
Yes!
Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're a small fucker or a big fucker,
you can play this game because the small fuckers go in barrelling
and they can get the ball over and the boys are scrambling
Now watch The little fuckers down there go There they are Big fuckers smack them
Little fucker Little fucker Off to a big fucker
Now he's gonna go down to another big fucker I hate that big fucker
Where are the black guys?
CLARKE: This is There's a couple out there
- I hate this team - Oh, yeah?
Magpies Hate the Maggies!
They're like I don't know what the equivalent in the NFL
No helmets No fucking helmets 'cause they're real men See?
Love you Just explaining the game to them They're loving it!
(MOUTHING) Good night
- Yeah, we gotta get going, you know - Are you sure you can't stay?
We can't stay We can't stay
Yeah, it's my It's my grandmother's 85th birthday
- We got family coming in from all over - GEORGE: That's right
She just had a stroke In her leg
- So, you know, we gotta get back - Yeah
- That's too bad you guys can't stay - It is too bad
Well, I wish I could say I was gonna see you again, George,
but I can't really say that, can I?
Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't
- You don't have to do that, honey - No, I do have to do this, honey I do
You know what, mate?
If there's one thing I've learnt from my Buddhist friends, the Chinese,
is to keep an open heart and to speak the truth
So, what I want to say to you, George, is thank you
Thank you for playing such a big role in my wife's life
It's been great getting to know you
And I wish you a peaceful journey from here on in and over to the other side
- Come here, mate - Okay, we're gonna do this
Thank you Thank you for everything
- All right - Thank you
All right, I appreciate your having us
Don't worry, Daddy He's not sick any more
- Ira told us - I didn't say that
- Yes, you did - Yeah, you did
- When we were colouring - IRA: No
- Yeah - Yeah
IRA: That's not true, girls
- No, that's not true - IRA: I did not say that
- I don't know what they're talking about - Liar
Liar, liar, pants on fire
They were freaking out They were worried about George
I just said it so they wouldn't be scared It was just
Kids, go inside
- Can we watch Borat? - Yeah, you can
- INGRID: I don't wanna watch Borat - Yes, you Come on
See you guys
What is going on around here? Is that true?
I never said that he was feeling better
He just took some medicine and it's looking good for him
because they can't detect it in his blood, but that doesn't mean that he's better
These things are very tricky
and he didn't want to tell anybody because he didn't want to jinx it!
Is that true that you didn't want to jinx it?
Yeah No, no, no, I Yeah, I'm very superstitious
You're a terrible liar
(IMITATING AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) No, nothing's going on around here!
It's completely innocent
- I left me ring - What accent is that?
- On the side table - Jamaican?
Don't mock me I don't appreciate it
Lots of people go to massage parlours
That doesn't mean I was getting a rub-and-tug
Those hairs on me jacket must've fallen off the waiter's pussy
What the hell has gotten into you?
- I was at a footie game! - Are you taking the piss out of me?
I would never lie to you, mate Oi?
I'm not playing this game with you This is stupid What a stupid game!
Clarke, let's tell each other the truth
- Just come clean with me - There's nothing to tell
- There's nothing to tell? - There's nothing to tell
You will never tell me the truth That is a pussy move!
You know what? I'm not doing this
I'm not being put on a cross for something I didn't even do!
- Enjoy each other! - Go fuck your whores!
"Go fuck your whores"?
So, it's good that he left, and this is a huge relief for me
I'm sorry I'm sorry
I don't need to be in a marriage that is like that, so I'm fine
I'm not worried about that I just want you to be okay
- I would be scared if I was you right now - Are you kidding me?
- This is what needed to happen - I would run away
- No, I'm staying here - Are you gonna run away?
Where am I running to? Only if you come with me
- I really need you around right now - Yeah Yeah
- Can you stay till Monday? - Absolutely
Can't we just go and, like, come back later, you know?
I mean, if this is meant to be, it'll be We don't have to be here right this second
- Can't we just go? - Man, I don't I see
Jesus Christ, every instinct in my body is telling me to leave here, too
- Good - But that's what led me to this shitty life
I gotta stay here I gotta do the right thing I love her
Right now, her husband is gonna come back and murder us, man!
- Did you see his arms? They look like legs! - Shut up Don't be an idiot
I'm not being an Imagine that you are a gigantic Australian man
and someone came into your home and fucked your wife
You would murder him and then you would make a hat out of his skin
'cause that's what Australians do Let's go!
Ira, this is deep shit People get divorced
They make mistakes, they change their lives
It's not that big of a deal She's married to an asshole
She seems like a crazy actress, man
I don't know what to tell you, man Am I not allowed to be happy or something?
I've been living alone and alone and alone That's my life
This is the only girl I've ever loved and I'm not supposed to do anything about this?
When am I supposed to be happy? Why does everyone else get to be happy?
Look, George, I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend
From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness
might be coming at the cost of destroying this family
Okay, let me respond to that, as your friend, and let you know you're not my friend
You fucking work for me!
I didn't ask for your advice! You're overstepping your boundaries, man!
Now go get me a fucking Diet Coke!
And remind yourself that's what you do for me!
- Now get the fuck out of here! - Fine
Don't fucking leave! Sit down here! I don't want to be alone
Okay, fine
- (O VER PHONE) This is Mark - Hey, Mark, it's Ira How's it going, man?
Not too good I didn't get the part in the Tobey Maguire movie
That doesn't matter I have a problem I need help, okay?
Where have you been?
I'm in Marin County Northern California
(SIGHS) Listen, I I have to tell you something
Are you sitting down?
- Yeah - Okay
The other night I went out to drinks with the producers of my show
and Leo met up with us
And they were enamoured by him and they thought he was really funny
And they offered him a part on Yo Teach! And he took it
I saw the episode I know that that happened
- You watched it? - I watched it
Did you love it?
- Yeah - He was great, right?
It was fine! I have no problem with Leo, okay?
Tell Leo, if he's got a problem, to stop being a baby and to just get over it!
Why don't you tell Leo yourself?
'Cause Leo's been surveilling this whole conversation
- You dick - LEO: Fucking asshole
- MARK: Leo, get off the phone! - Screw you, Leo Screw you
Hey, man what have you been up to?
Sucking George Simmons' balls?
That's cool I've been on Yo Teach! Living it up
I'm sorry, Leo Yo Teach! Sucks
LEO: Go lose some more weight, Ira! You look fucking weird skinny!
MARK: Leo, calm down!
You know what, Ira? I want to put my eyeglasses on your asshole
so it looks like you're blowing me when I'm fucking you in the ass, you jerk!
IRA: That doesn't even make sense! You're gonna put glasses on my ass? What?
Ira, we will find something for you to do on the show, okay?
- Teach can have more than one friend - Can we talk about this later?
I am in a serious problem I just need some advice, okay? Please?
Just listen to me for two minutes and tell me what I should do right now, okay?
Will you do that?
All right If it's serious, I'm sorry I will listen
(SIGHS)
Okay Here's what's happening
I'm witnessing a slow-moving train wreck, but if I do something, I will lose my job
- Are you serious? - So, what I don't know, is
(DISCONNECTS)
Screw you
(SIGHS)
- Higher! - Higher!
- I can't I I can't - Yes, you can
You, you have to go down a little bit then
- through the middle - LAURA: Be careful Don't let him fall on you
Where do I put my hand?
I spoke to Clarke He's gonna be at the airport tonight heading back to China
I'm gonna go tell him that when he comes back
he should find another place to live
Wait, wait, wait, wait What
- You Yeah? Good Good - Yeah
- You're gonna tell him? - I just don't want him coming back here
- You don't need him - No
That'll just get you sick
Good, you gotta tell him So, when are you doing that?
- Tonight? - Yeah
- Okay, okay, I'm coming down - Jump!
I talked to a girlfriend of mine,
and she has somebody who could show us some houses down in Los Angeles
And we'll get that whole thing going
And then I was thinking about taking the kids out of school now,
but we should probably let them finish up because it's December
- And I don't want to mess everything up - They have to finish the whole year here
- Yeah, that makes sense to me - So, if we just go down
at the beginning of the summer,
- let them kind of transit - I'm supposed to do
a little two-week tour this summer
I'm supposed to do it, but I don't need to do it
No pressure on you Look at you! There's no pressure on you
I need to work and I want to get my acting career going again
- Good - Yeah
She's whupping you, Ingrid! Good job there, Lulu
So, she's gonna go to the airport tonight
and tell Clarke that she wants him to find a new place and
What do you think of that?
(SIGHS) I don't want to tell you what I think about that
'cause I don't want to get yelled at, George
(SIGHS) Oh, God
I'm just nervous about the kids and, like, who's gonna get them
and does he get one and Laura gets one, or am I gonna have both of them?
'Cause I love the little one, we kind of click
But the older one is, like, you sense the period's coming soon
- I think she would probably get the kids - All right, yeah
I don't think you can have two girls in China
- What are you gonna do now? - Look at this crew
Why so close? Really?
(EXCLAIMS)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- You okay, little girl? - You okay?
- Oh, man - Are you okay?
- Okay I'm gonna show you Mable singing - Mom, you make everybody see
No, Memory from Cats Come on! It's
No I hate that you show it to everyone
I'll just show them the end part
(ALL LAUGHING)
I'll just show you the ending Okay
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is
(MOUTHING)
Look, a new day has begun
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- That was unbelievable! - Isn't that good?
That was insane!
That was like just seeing a little person sing an old person's song
That was hysterical!
I got a friend who takes He takes a lot of acid
If he saw that, he would shit himself!
That's not supposed to be funny
I know, I know, I know I'm No, I think that's why it's funnier
- It was so amazing - Wasn't that good?
- I think I started crying a little bit - Me, too I cry every time I see that
That shit was funny up there
Okay Wow, these guys are not gonna take no for an answer
Yeah They want me to do another baby movie
They keep bumping up the gross on the DVDs
I just There's no way I'm doing it
Okay Bye
(BOTH WHOOPING)
- Hey, George - (EXHALES) Yeah
I'm going to I'm gonna go to the store and grab some cigarettes, okay?
I'll be back soon
- What? What do you need cigarettes for? - 'Cause I'm addicted to them
Why? 'Cause you look like the Fonz when you smoke?
I've always smoked I just didn't do it in front of you 'cause you were sick
And now that you're better
Hurry up, though, man I'm running out of gas with the kids here
Okay I'll hurry up
(SINGING) Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can't wait till the morning
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Are my parents getting a divorce?
Why Why Why do you ask that?
Just, like, I can tell They're always fighting and
How does that make you feel?
Well, he's already away a lot, so it doesn't really matter that much, but
GEORGE: Uh-huh
That wouldn't be fun
Maybe it would be better if they were separated
MABLE: Mmm-mmm
No?
- That's not good - Right
Clarke?
Laura, what are you doing here?
I don't know
WOMAN ON PA: Mr Way Chen, you need to get to the information desk Thank you
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
You've reached Ira Please leave me a message Thank you
(BEEPS)
Where are you? You gotta come back here
I think I'm getting I'm getting Ionely here
I need some help Just, seriously, hurry up
I don't trust you Am I imagining things?
You're not imagining anything, honey
(SIGHS)
Two times That's all I did was two times
And I don't want to ruin everything just 'cause of two fucking times
She couldn't even speak English
Look at our life You're driving the kids to school
You're picking them up You're like a single mother
And you're not a single mom You're my wife You're my baby
I shouldn't be in China
trying to sell Oreos to people who don't want to fucking talk to me
I'm gonna get a normal job I'm gonna be just around the corner
It's just gonna be you, me and the kids
- All I want is a fresh start - Yeah
(GRUNTING) Oh
Yeah
The George Simmons thing was just a flirtation
It was nothing He really was sick He just got better
- I'm so fucking glad - Yeah
I really like him I do I don't want to hate him
I fucking love you
Ira!
Hey!
What are you doing here?
(CHUCKLING) I'm going back to Los Angeles
- LA? - Yeah
You're in the Great China Air First Class Lounge, mate
- What are you doing? - Oh, shit, this is a confusing airport
I thought this was Panda Express
Well, it's good to see you guys, though
What's going on? Laura?
- What the hell is going on? - Ask her
I was so mad at you for the way that you've been treating me
that I was on my way here to tell you tonight
to find another place to live when you got back
- But then - I came here to stop her
- CLARKE: Shut the fuck up - I slept with George once, but it's over
It's done And it was no big deal
(CLARKE BREATHING HEAVILY)
We didn't even have sex He just went down on me
- (SIGHS) That's worse - CLARKE: Crikey
He manipulated me with his disease!
Where is he? George, where is he?
- He's at your house - He's at our house?
With our kids?
LAURA: Please don't get that look on your face
Please don't get that look on your face
- It was a mistake - I'm gonna kill him
No, no, no, no, no
- I'm sorry - You're sorry?
- I came here to stop - Who are you?
- I don't know - Who are you?
- What are you doing here? - I was trying to help you
- Get the fuck out of my life! - Okay
Oh, no Oh, no Oh, no Oh, no
Where is it? Where is it? Oh, God, where is it?
So stupid! Stupid shit!
I wanted to tell you I miss you I miss your kisses
I miss your short skirts And I miss your smell
Get the BabyBjörn
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
We're gonna go find that wizard
Hey, girls You look so cute
You, outside
- Is he in trouble? - Yes
- What's gonna happen? - I don't know
- What do you think I did? - Oh, shit!
- Your friend sold you out, mate! - LAURA: No, no, no, Clarke!
- CLARKE: You think this is a game? - Stop it!
What'd you think you were gonna do? Come in and just fuck up my family?
IRA: Stop it! CLARKE: Is that what you thought?
Stop it Stop No, no, no, no!
GEORGE: I didn't fucking do anything!
This sort of shit I kill for!
- Don't kill him! Don't kill him! - You stupid shit!
- No! - Fuck, man!
- Come here! - Run, George!
Don't hurt him, you maniac!
- Cut the shit, guys! - Stop it!
IRA: Run, George! You're cornering yourself! Go that way!
- Get away from me! - Take it like a man, George!
Get away from me, you fucking crazy asshole!
You fucking asshole! Get away!
- Oh, my God - She's not happy with you!
No one who's married is happy, you idiot!
Get in a ball, George! Get in a ball!
Fight like a man! Get on your feet, would you?
I don't know how to fight! I'm a comedian, you fucking asshole!
- Should I jump in? - No! No! Don't jump in!
Just get away from me, man! You traitor!
- Go get more cigarettes, you liar! - IRA: I accomplished nothing!
They made up before I got there!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
- Where's your helmet now, Yankee? - Let's talk! Clarke!
- LAURA: Clarke, no! - Come on, pussy!
Help!
- All right! - Stop!
- IRA: I got him! I got him! - You don't want this, Schmira
You don't want a piece of me, Schmira!
I am gonna love this!
(GROANS)
God!
You son of a bitch! I knew you didn't want me to be happy!
What are you doing, man? Look at this! You fucking suck!
- You've gone crazy! - You're a lightweight
- Get away from me, man! - Named Ira Wiener! Ira Wiener!
- You should have died! - Well, I ain't going nowhere!
- I'm never gonna die! - I hope you die!
- I'm never gonna die, baby! - Die!
- Boys, stop it! - IRA: I hope you die! I hate you!
I know what you're trying to do, the pair of you!
You're trying to distract me so I won't hit him!
- Lackey! Lackey! - IRA: Wait!
Oh, shit, Clarke! Dude!
Are you okay, George?
Where's your stunt man now, hey?
- Stop it! - Will you stop hitting me?
I'm better now, but it can come back!
Laura, tell him Tell him what you told me
Tell him that you love me more than you love him Tell him!
Yeah, when she told you that, did she think you were dying, huh?
Tell him Tell him Is it me or him?
- Him - What? Come on! Are you serious?
He's my husband We have a family
I love him
And you didn't even cry when Mable sang Cats
What's the matter with you?
I didn't want to lie I don't know I've seen it on Broadway before
It wasn't as good as it
- What are you guys doing on the lawn? - I'm hungry!
Nothing We're just We're just mucking around
Come on Go back inside
Sorry, George I'll always love you
- But what are we gonna do? - I love you
I'm sorry I came up here I shouldn't have come
No, I'm glad you did
Maybe when we're 70?
I hope you find a way to be happy
Shit He's coming back He's coming back Let's go
LAURA: Clarke
You know what? I've just worked out why all this shit has happened
In the East, they call this karma
And I have brought all this shit upon us with my misbehaviour
That's why all this shit has happened
This had to happen
But some good shit's gonna come from this
We have to learn from this, you know, all of us
There's a good lesson here
Underneath anger is hurt,
but underneath hurt is love
You feel it?
Okay?
- Yeah Thank you - I'm sorry about this
Yeah, yeah Don't worry about it
Do you want me to drive?
(SIGHS) No, you don't have to drive me I'll drive myself
In fact, you're never gonna have to drive me again because you're fired, Ira
You're the only person that I've ever heard of
that learnt nothing from a near-death experience, George
You went backwards You're worse
You know what I am? A good friend
I would never run to the airport and rat somebody out
I don't have that in my DNA That's not a friend, man
A friend tells you A friend comes up to you and says,
"Hey, you're in a heap of shit You better not do it"
He doesn't run and tell the fucking girl
- Well - Wow
Good Fire me I don't want to be around you any more,
'cause you are fucking contagious!
You think I can't get another assistant?
I can't get someone else to write jokes for me?
You think I'm gonna lay in my bed going, "Aw, I miss my Schmira"?
You're a fucking no-thought That's the beauty
Once you're gone it never comes back in my brain
You think getting Laura would have made you happy?
- I know so - You think if you had a family right now,
you would be happy?
You'll never be happy, 'cause you're always gonna be stuck with yourself!
Unless somehow you can get away from you, you're always gonna be miserable, George
You are not funny
Well, if that means I'm less like you, then good, I don't want to be funny, okay?
Mission accomplished, Ira
Bad career choice
Comedy usually is for funny people
Gotcha
(SIGHS)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
(GROANS)
Chances are you've got a lot of stuff stuffed in your drawers and closets
that you don't really need
Mary Bolster is editor-in-chief of Natural Health magazine
She's here to help you get trashing, bagging and get organised
- Hello, Mary - MARY: Hi, Hoda
HODA: Okay, we do save things for the wackiest reasons
(WHISPERING) Good morning Hi
I think I'm gonna forgive him today
- What? Really? - Yeah
Great! That's great news!
He's just gonna be so jealous that I'm on Yo Teach! You know?
I just figured it'd be a cool thing to do
Well, maybe we could find something for him
You know, if it comes up organically, definitely, but we shouldn't force it
- You know? - Right
I don't want to be on Yo Teach!
- It's okay I forgave you, you know? - Thank you
So, how'd everything go up there this weekend?
I think I did the right thing, but George fired me and punched me in the face
- You want to talk about it? - No
I kind of wish you would It sounds like the greatest story, ever
Wake me up at 2:00 I'll tell you about it
- Well, we're glad you're back - Glad you're home
I can't believe I have to start all over again
Hey, man, how you doing?
Hey, how you doing? Heard you were sick You feeling better now? Over here!
MAN: George, second lease on life What are you gonna do now?
- Hey, guys, come on - Come on, I heard rumours
about another baby movie What do you got, huh?
Yeah, yeah, we're gonna shoot that That should be good
Gonna start that in a little bit Let me get by you, though
- It's nice up here, huh? - Yeah How'd you find it?
Me and my friends, we hike up here and I always thought,
"You know, that'd be a great place to take a woman if you If you knew one"
- Well, now you know one - Good
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- Hey, I'm gonna give him the light - Thanks, Mark
Bailey, you're number two
Hey, Ira How you doing?
- Good How you doing? - RANDY: Wassup, big money?
- You guys know each other? - Yes I've seen this young Jewish comedian
Randy, what's happening?
I saw this cat down at Otto's yesterday Made me a little panini
Grilled chicken pesto Shit was nice
Yeah, I'm working at Otto's again
GEORGE: So, you're going up?
Yeah, I'm about to go up now See you guys
Later!
Thank you Thank you
My friends are very sexually aggressive, which is hard for me
You know, we'll watch television and they'll just see
A hot girl will come on and they'll just be,
"Man, I wanna fuck the shit out of that girl, man!
"I'm gonna fuck that girl!"
And I, like, can't even say that I can't even pretend I would do that
I see a hot girl on TV and I'm like, "Man, I would friend the shit out of her!
"I'd friend her all night! I would be her girlfriend!
"I would drive her to the airport, man!
"I would hold her purse while she shopped, all over her tits!"
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Thank you
Hi, I need a pound of turkey and a half-pint of macaroni salad, please
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Um Yeah, I'll just be one sec, okay? - Okay, thanks
(IMITATING OLD WOMAN) The last time I came here,
the roast beef you gave me had the string still around it
and I was unaware of this and fed it to my husband, and he choked
How's it going, George?
You get a break or anything where you can talk?
Okay, yeah Sure Chuck, I'll be one sec, okay, man?
Shit
(CAMERA CLICKS)
(SIGHS)
So, you had to get your job back here, huh?
Yeah You know, I figured I could use a little job stability
Oh, I'm sorry
I get health insurance It's pretty good
So, I thought a lot about what you said in the car to me
A few of those things might have been accurate
You tried to help me and I'm sorry I put you in the middle of all that stuff
I'm better in my body
My brain has a ways to go, though
How are you doing, though? You're doing okay?
I don't know, Ira
I
I caught your whole set the other night, Ira Nice
Yeah, yeah, no, you're getting a rhythm
You're starting to be the Ira I like in real life onstage
Thanks Yeah, I've been getting up a lot lately, so it's going well
Yeah, you were funny, and it was a fart-free set
I wrote some stuff down that night that Some jokes
- You want to hear it? - You what?
I couldn't stop thinking of jokes for you last night It was bizarre
I'm not saying they're good jokes, but I try
You actually wrote them down!
Yeah, yeah, yeah My fucking memory's horrible
That thing you did about the Wii Fit thing What's that?
- Oh, like, "My video game" - Yeah
"My video game told me I'm fat?"
- Yeah, yeah, yeah - "The ultimate betrayal" Yeah
Right, right You could maybe say, "I mean, that's like my pot telling me I'm lazy"
Oh, that's really funny
"And the Wii is similar to my grandmother She used to tell me I'm getting chubby
"and then bring me chicken parmesan and say, 'Why are you so fat?"'
(LAUGHING) That's really funny!
It's true The video game made me fat and It is like my grandmother
- All right - "Why are you so fat?
"Here's four gallons of chocolate milk"
- That's good! - She would always do that
- That's good - I got one I've been afraid to tell,
kind of, about, like, Viagra It's like, "My grandfather takes Viagra
"and he thought he was tittie-fucking my grandmother"
- Yeah? - "But then he realised he was tittie-fucking
"his own balls"
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- That's funny! You got to do that! - That's pretty funny, huh?
You got to say that the thing That when you're that old
and you have a boner that there's not a good position, you know?
That's funny! That's really
You do it doggy-style, your knees hurt You get water on your knee
- "I can't even hold myself up in" - Exactly
- "What would an old man do?" - Yeah
(ACOUSTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
THE END Subtitles by:
WARREN ZEVON: Let's do another bad one then
'cause I like it when the blood drains from David's face
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
MABLE: Okay
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory Of my days in the sun
If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day
has begun
THE END